Questioning

First, a short paragraph on the mundane.  I am so miserable this morning between the pain and my tummy, I had to cancel a two hour dental appointment (I’m sure they are not happy with me) because the pain will not subside, I didn’t sleep much last night and I feel like throwing up.  My heart is racing and I’m trying to meditate but without much success.  I’ll try again when I’m done complaining.  Okay.  I’m done.  Whew.

I had some interesting thoughts about life and death last night.  I got them from watching “The Hours”, one of my favorite movies.  It is so rich in character and story it helps to see it more than once.  It was a long time ago, but I picked up on things I missed the first time (or maybe just forgot (.it’s 10 years now).

There was this scene when Virginia Woolf’s niece asked her where you go when you die.  She answered “I suppose, back to where we came from”  The child replied “But I don’t remember”  And Virginia said “Nor do I” 

I started thinking about that concept (and for the benefit of this piece, I’m going to assume there is a “there” there) which of course, drove me crazier than I already am..   What about memory?  Here’s my theory, for what it is worth.  I think the moment we leave the womb, we DO remember, but it starts to fade immediately, and within a few months, or perhaps a year or two, we have forgotten completely.  It could explain the “invisible friend” syndrome that a lot of kids have.  They remember longer.

And maybe that is why we cry so loud when we are born.  Or part of the reason.  We didn’t want to leave; and for some of us, with good reason.  Do babies who ‘know’ their lives are going to be one challenge after another cry more?  Are they colicky?  Sick a lot?  And how about healthy happy babies?   You hear parents say “She/he is such a good baby….never fusses, etc. or the opposite.   And when they grow up?  Parents will say; “He/she was always such a sweet/horrible kid…doesn’t surprise me he/she is such a mess/success now.

Some grow out of it, some don’t.  Why is that?  Do the ones who know their lives are going to be hard, no matter how nice they look on the outside, have a more difficult time adjusting to life on Earth,.  And then there are the ones who  look like life will be torture grow up happy, productive and well adjusted?  What is that? Did we all get sprinkled with fairy dust or devil dust that determines direction?  Or is it our souls that want the best for our bodies, whether we get it or not?

I know that while my body isn’t the most important thing, it seems to me that while on Earth, that it actually is.  At least we need to do the best that we can with it.  Even if it has NF.  And that’s the difference.  I don’t have NF; my body does.  Nor did I have breast cancer, digestive issues, bad teeth, mononucleosis, scarlet fever and a gazillion other challenges.  “I” is just the ego.  Everything else is spirit.  And if can get in touch with my spirit and let go of the pain, the losses, the isolation and everything else, including feeling like I cannot do this ONE MORE DAY then I’m okay.  But getting there is harder and harder to do.

I pray for death all the time but it never comes.  Which makes me think I’m missing something.  So when the moment comes, one can assume we have done whatever we are put here to do, even if your ego thinks you haven’t  (if you buy that as opposed to chance).  But what about massive deaths like in a natural disaster, a plane crash or a shooting rampage?  Are all those people ready to go back to where they came from because they have done what they had to do?  Were they put in harms way on purpose?  This is where “chance” vs. “ready” comes to play, I guess.  I don’t pretend to know the answers.  But asking the question is important, I think, especially if you are sick and have the time to ask.

And if you don’t have a lot of time to spare, make time for this.  It’s good for you, no matter what you believe.  Challenge yourself.  Whatever stand you take, take the opposite view for a few hours and question your beliefs.  You don’t’ have to change you mind;  but questioning existence is good for the mind (which few could argue exists) the body (which I’m pretty sure exists, though I could be wrong) and the soul (which is the real argument for some)

I’m trying to hard to let go of everything and just follow my breath.  I’m listening to my meditation CD, which I should be doing without doing anything else (like writing this) but I can’t.   Is life/death a continuing circle of coming here and going back “there” wherever “there” is?  Or do we get some time to heal? 

Who can say?  Truth be told, since I feel spirits around me (I write about it often) I do believe in the unbelievable.  And if we don’t believe in the unbelievable, what would happen to faith??