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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Letting Off Steam

Im scared. Terrified, actually. My birthday was the 23rd of June; just turned 57. Never thought I’d make it this far. And oh so many times I thought of ending it. Forever. I am really getting to the end of this long, painful rope. I try and be positive and I do okay with that but then…then I realize it’s going downhill at a very fast rate and it’s terrifying.

My legs are getting numb more and more for longer periods of time. My hands too…and they cramp up on me. I had a PET scan and my hands “lit up” so now they want to do an MRI to see what that is all about. I’m not going to treat, so I thought about not doing the scan, but I do want to know. The neck brace just isn’t doing what it use to do; keep things from going numb.

And the newest is the dizziness…the ‘fun house’ (only not so fun) spinning that happens when I put my head in a certain position….and I never know when it will happen. Tonight, I was going to color my hair and I bent over to wet my head and the room spun so, when I opened my eyes the drain and the tub were on the ceiling. Very scary. I’m afraid that will happen while I’m in the shower. Then what?

The only good news this week is that my landlord agreed to write a clause in my new lease that will let me out of it should I need to go into an assisted living facility. Of course, I’ll just end it before that happens, but I can’t tell them that. They were very kind about everything, and they are putting a safety rail in the bathroom.

But I’m scared, angry and tired of hearing that I must have a positive attitude. Oh must I? My brother wrote a wonderful card for my birthday, letting me know how strong I am to chose life everyday. It made me cry. But I sometimes think people tell me that so that I will keep choosing life when I don’t want to. I can’t do this much longer, I really can’t.

And then of course, I think about what a waste of life I am….I’m so tired. So very tired. And no one gets it. People think I just need to push myself and it will ‘take my mind off it’ How do you take your mind off the fact that your in horrific pain, your going numb from the waist down, your falling, losing your balance, getting dizzy…..oh my.

My hands hurt, they wake me up at night; that’s new. I’m just waking up in pain more and more…..WHY WON’T THIS JUST LEAVE ME IN PEACE???????????????

JUST LETTING OFF STEAM HERE, OKAY????????????????????????
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