tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69919378315492874832024-03-04T23:58:52.964-08:00Living in Chronic Pain from NeurofibromatosisWelcome and thanks for visiting me here! If you are new to this blog, start with "Bumps of Beauty" and other earlier pieces. "The desire for freedom, as it motivates us to our
natural state is great joy;
The desire to be free from the way things are is great suffering" (Stephen Levine)You can email me at dbsherri1@gmail.comSherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.comBlogger377125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-80939345767081786582016-01-26T23:02:00.000-08:002016-02-01T11:46:36.680-08:00Farewell to our dear SherriThis is a special post from Sherri's family. She had instructed us to send a last communique to her blog readers when the time came. <br />
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Our beautiful Sherri passed on Monday, January 25th. As her body declined over the past two weeks, her radiant being was ever more vivid.<br />
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Sherri often wondered out loud what her purpose was. To us, her purpose was evident: She was here to enrich our lives and the lives of our children. Her Godly soul became refined in ways we can't imagine. The trials and torture of her body were the chisel only the most rare of God's children have the endurance, strength or grace to withstand. We are comforted that Sherri achieved a certain measure of peace and serenity---though never without pain---and lived life on her terms to the best she was able. <br />
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Sherri asked us to play a song during her funeral service, "Be Still" by The Fray. She posted it here previously and we're sharing it again. When she played the song for us a few weeks ago she said, crying: "I feel God is talking to me when I hear this song." It comforted her as she contemplated the inevitable arc of her soul's sojourn on earth and the transition back to God. Anticipation, fear and love.<br />
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We will miss her terribly, she was our inspiration......and we are comforted as we imagine her lounging and luxuriating on a fluffy cloud of pure light. Her parents Leonard and Rivian will take her the rest of the way.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5nUuBjz4Vhc" width="420"></iframe><br />
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Sherri also asked that we share a poem, "Epitaph" by Merrit Malloy, here below:<br />
<em style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: SonusLight, 'Myriad Pro', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><br /></em>
<em style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: SonusLight, 'Myriad Pro', Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">By Merrit Malloy</em><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">When I die</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Give what’s left of me away</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">To children</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And old me that wait to die.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And if you need to cry,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Cry for your brother</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Walking the street beside you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And when you need me,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Put your arms</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Around anyone</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And give them</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">What you need to give to me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I want to leave you something,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Something better</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Than words</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Or sounds.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Look for me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">In the people I’ve known</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Or loved,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And if you cannot give me away,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">At least let me live on in your eyes</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And not your mind.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">You can love me most</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">By letting</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Hands touch hands,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">By letting bodies touch bodies,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And by letting go</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Of children</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">That need to be free.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Love doesn’t die,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">People do.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">So, when all that’s left of me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Is love,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #002621; font-family: "sonuslight" , "myriad pro" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Give me away.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzWqfZEa3B-TQzbfYt1SCQgCwMZKGdteqWfoi7cpHEGns6xEGZWRt-lcs1cv578YRLlGeNggrDvLIvc9_QjjV2JIDAZ73NYgsZKNqyRYoz0nIsGTtScXJm9qNx7rRMMzEaUPr-OJjEBZ0/s1600/Sherri.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzWqfZEa3B-TQzbfYt1SCQgCwMZKGdteqWfoi7cpHEGns6xEGZWRt-lcs1cv578YRLlGeNggrDvLIvc9_QjjV2JIDAZ73NYgsZKNqyRYoz0nIsGTtScXJm9qNx7rRMMzEaUPr-OJjEBZ0/s320/Sherri.jpg" width="255" /></a></div>
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Sherri will be buried in Seattle on Thursday, January 28. The family requests donations to the Children's Tumor Foundation in lieu of flowers.Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-71316034043298853572016-01-08T12:58:00.003-08:002016-01-08T12:58:33.138-08:00Fear of the Harp<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>This may be my last post. It's getting repetitive and I'm in so much pain these days, it's hard to do this. Thanks to all who read, and I hope your NF or whatever keeps you in pain, resolves itself....be well, be happy, be compassionate, be grateful!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">W</span>hen I was about four years old, I was a flower girl for the
wedding of a cousin (who I don’t recall).
I keep the old black and white picture of me holding my mom’s hand and
looking up at her, as she gazed back down at me. We were both smiling slightly. I would not walk down the aisle as I was
afraid of the harp. Perhaps that’s why I
never got married, and why there is a tiny part of me afraid of dying. Fear of that harp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dear, loving sister was here for a visit the other day. She always brings such joy and wisdom. I was crying on and off, something I don’t do
often, and saying I wish I were stronger, I wish I never complained about the
pain. She went over to a bookshelf and
pulled out that framed picture of me and my mom and dropped it on my lap. Then she asked “Would you expect this little
girl to keep on taking the pain without complaint?” I burst into tears. No, I would not. I do believe our birth order got turned
around, or perhaps it was different in another life. Tami feels like the oldest, I’m still in the
middle, and Jeff is the youngest. She
sure is wise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So why am I so hard on myself? What do I expect of my ability to continue to
manage an unmanageable condition? One
that keeps me in horrific pain every waking moment? I keep telling myself the world is a
frightful place and is getting worse all the time. What have I got to complain about? I have food, shelter, access to health care
and friends and family who support me.
Pain? Pffft.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Except that I can’t distance my body from my mind every
minute of every day, which is what I have to do to get out of my body like an
OBE (out of body experience) . I chuckle
when I read about people who “can’t “ meditate because 20 minutes is too long
to be still. All right then.
I just need to keep working on it. I want to get out of my body and
watch it from afar and afar from the pain.
Wouldn’t that be nice? Of course,
I would be unable to do anything so that wouldn’t be too different than how it
is now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have felt Oliver around me a lot lately; Very strong sensations. I feel my mother as well. And the rest of the gang. Sunday’s Seahawk game against the MN Vikings
should be fun. Being from MN, my dad was
a huge Viking fan. So when they play the
Seahawks, I pretend he’s in the chair he used to sit in and we watch the game.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-39752191724329687352015-12-13T09:16:00.004-08:002016-01-19T20:18:55.748-08:00Desired Destinies 2<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is a tad different then the first version. Struggling a lot lately, but my friends from my blog and those who know me outside my blog, not to mention family, keep me on course. Special thanks to Erin, Carolyn and Becky (and her beautiful daughter, Ashley)!</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">H</span>ow many of us want the destinies given to us? How many of us even know what that is? We think we might know (It’s our destiny to
be together/alone/this career, etc.) but do we really? I’m not sure we ever find out because it
changes, just like everything else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And how many of us want everything we have? I don’t mean having everything we want…..few
of us do, and even those who think they have everything they want in a
particular moment seldom sustain that feeling.
Because there is always more, always something new around each and every
corner that we think we can’t live without.
Mostly, we still live.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But wanting everything we have….that’s the challenge. Personally, I can tell you right off the bat
that I don’t want NF (my disorder). And
I certainly don’t want everything that goes along with it; agonizing pain,
dysfunctional digestive system, inoperable tumors, isolation due to the
pain…..and on and on and on. The things
I actually want are few: My friends,
family, books, music, etc. The rest, you
can have.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And that might be the biggest mistake anyone can make... Throwing away that which feels profoundly
inconvenient, hurtful, useless and empty-feeling (so we think). But the painful (no pun intended) truth is, my
body doesn’t really know what is useless to me and I’m not sure my soul does
either. I haven’t a clue what I am
supposed to be learning, but I’m learning something, that’s for sure. Kindness, patience, understanding,
empathy….these are all things I strive for not in spite of my condition but
because of it. And I fall short 90% of
the time. So I pick myself up, dust
myself off and try again the next time whatever challenge presents itself. I can hear the little voice whispering in my
ear reminding me, but I often yell over it.
Make no mistake, it’s the quiet voice you should be listening to (unless
it’s telling you something bad, but that’s another story).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> We can’t know much of
anything when it comes to being here, living this life and seeing all the
misery around us. The good too, but it
seems to me that as I age, the good things became more rare. And I don’t mean because of illness and
personal challenges. I mean in
general. Perhaps it was always this way and
the digital age just made it that more apparent. We instantly know what happens halfway across
the planet. Once again, I’ve weaned
myself off the news because it’s just too depressing to read and increases my
pain dramatically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As my need for more help grows, the letting go of control
becomes crucial to surviving the lifestyle change. Accepting that I can do less
and less is beyond challenging. And the
one thing that gets me through it all is acceptance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've posted this song before but I wanted to use it again....it's a lullaby written by one of the Frays for his nephew...but I hear G-d talking to me. </span><br />
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-11759214865910211412015-12-03T16:57:00.000-08:002015-12-03T16:57:27.591-08:00Word Salad<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span>’ve been struggling with words lately. Or the lack of them thereof. At least words that make sense to my drug
infested brain (all of which I’d flush down the toilet in a heartbeat if not
for this unbearable pain….I’m writing this part for any new readers who may not
know of all the things I do in addition to just popping pills….and there are
many. Read other entries if interested).
I’ve been wanting to write another post,
but all I have in my head is word salad.
Too much news again. So let’s
skip that, eh?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have been having some stunning visual and audio
experiences through meditation, dreams and prayer. The pain has been stunning, the darkness of
the short days difficult for me to get through (always has been) and generally,
I’m just flat-out depressed. The CBD
doesn’t work so well anymore, I’m having trouble finding help over the holiday
period (or the case manager having trouble finding a replacement for the two
helpers who are taking a few weeks off) and the only happy creatures near me is
the squirrel and his buddies, the sparrows and the hummingbirds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My family has visited over the holiday as well as a good
friend I met through this blog. That was
great. Indian food as opposed to
turkey. Not a big turkey fan, though my
sister brought over an awesome turkey sandwich from this incredible shop she
goes to for such things along with a slice of chocolate cake that was beyond
delicious. Whew. My brother and his family are off to Hawaii,
my sister’s youngest is on her way home from a semester in Eastern Europe (and
with all the unrest it was scary for those of us waiting for her to return) and
her oldest is getting ready for 10 days in Haiti on a humanitarian trip; it’s
what she wants to do. Public health in faraway
places.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My nephew (brother’s son) is still working his tail off to
get Carbon Washington on the ballot (to lower emissions output) and their
daughter is still trying to decide whether or not to pursue law. So long as she’s on the right side of it (the
law) I’m all for it! Not that my opinion
matters. Man, I feel old, listening to
their life stories at this point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’m listening to banging all around me because their having
our windows all replaced with energy efficient ones. It’s cold and rainy and the windows will be
off most of the day tomorrow. I’ve been
watching them to the other ones; takes a long time. I just cancelled my morning help because I
will have to barricade myself in my bedroom so they can do the living room
first (I will tell them that’s how they have to do it) and then switch in the
afternoon so they can do the bedroom and I’ll have help here with me in the
living room. Yikes. I may have to do a marijuana run.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-82688751572326597712015-11-11T10:28:00.001-08:002015-11-11T10:28:28.053-08:00Hope There's Someone<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">L</span>ast night I was watching (again) YouTube videos about
consciousness, near death experiences and dreams. My body was in agony and my mind was racing
at a million miles an hour, trying to make sense of what I was listening to,
watching, and feeling physically. After
a couple hours I had to switch to some old television show, giving my brain a
rest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I get that my life is my life, my adventure here designed
for me and me alone. I know deep in my
heart that I am very lucky in many ways; family, friends, access to my medical
needs, food. I know those things are
beyond measure. I just get tweaked when
I hear, like I did in one of the videos, a doctor talking about people who are
in the end stages of their lives and how the primary concern is keeping them
“out of pain and comfortable’. What a
concept. I’m not in the end stages of
life (to my knowledge) so I don’t get to be kept “comfortable”. I also don’t get to choose to die, at least
not legally (though it is legal in Washington state). It’s a huge hole in the right to die
system. The line has to be drawn
somewhere, yes, but drawing it in front of someone in agonizing pain for over
15 years with no end in sight is….insane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tonight I am feeling like I want to end it, right now, right
here. But the thought of actually going
through with it makes me so anxious I want to scream. I don’t know what is worse. It’s all the word salad about being “punished”
for taking my life that stops me.
Everyone tells me “No, Sherri, that won’t happen” but who the hell
knows?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of the YouTube shows was on this experiment done years
ago in the UK on the afterlife and communicating with the dead through a
radio. Okay, then.
I tried to find the book to put it on hold at my library, but I couldn’t
find it. It was called the Scole
experiments. Watch it, it’s
fascinating. Really out there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I feel like I’m treading water that’s in an
abyss….everything is scary, out of focus and feels hopeless. Everything.
I’ve never wanted it to end so bad.
I want to see my loved ones who have passed. I want them to show up for me. All the gifts I had regarding being in touch
with the other side, and there have been a LOT of them, vanished when I had to
start taking medication for pain. Since
the opiates do little to abate the pain, I wonder if I can wean myself off of
them and stop all together. I wonder if
it would be any different, really.
Scares the hell out of me because it’s already bad. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> I saw my
healer/acupuncturist today…she always helps me.
And I need to do a Shamanic journey.
Haven’t done that for ages. AND,
I need to STOP reading the news. I’ll.
Never. Learn. Or maybe I will. Some day.
She told me those gifts I thought I have lost are still there, and
pointed out some things I’ve experienced on her table that I forgot about. I guess I still have those gifts: they are
just slightly different now. Not as fun.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I started going through all my “stuff” the other day; found
a bracelet my sister gave me after my first tumor surgery in 1995. It is beautiful silver with tiny hoops and
the word “Strength” on the circle that holds it together. I need strength. I may need it to end my life when I get brave
enough and the pain is bad enough. But
again, I don’t want to make that
decision because I’m sad/mad/fearful. I
want to make it when I just know I’m done.
When the joy is no longer there at all.
Every time I get a small break in the pain, the desire to end my life
vanishes. But the breaks a few and far,
far between. So I just sleep with the
picture of my grandparents and parents, asking for help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’ve been getting horrific headaches. I don’t normally get headaches but they come
in short, painful bursts. Maybe it’s a
sign. Maybe my sudden urge to cook and
actually eat what I make (though small portions) is a sign. Embracing life prior to moving on. What a pip, eh?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I know I’m all over the map here….I know I should not be
reading the news non- stop the way I do.
I know my anxiety levels are through the roof due to my behavior around
this issue. I just can’t help
myself. The news flies by at lightning
speed and it’s all bad. It scares the
tar out of me. Coupled with this
agonizing pain that just doesn’t let up for more than an hour every other day
or so (no exaggeration) I can hardly breathe.
Getting out of my head is harder and harder to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-61685739261583670412015-11-03T11:47:00.000-08:002015-11-03T11:47:16.173-08:00Rainbow Room<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">W</span>hen I was a kid, there was this restaurant in Minneapolis
called the Rainbow Room. This was in the
late fifties/early sixties. My family
would go there Sunday nights sometimes, and my grandparents from both sides
often joined us. My brother and I
(sister was not yet born) would huddle down in the backseat “dodging” the
lights that would often flash across the skies, announcing a new movie playing
in a nearby theater.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have occasionally written about my grandmother Ida, my dad’s
mother. She was and still is, long after
her death, a driving force in my life. I
often reach out to her across the veil that separates us, asking for her
help. Such was the case last night. I had a very bad day. My sister had come by to visit bringing with
her a delicious lunch. I usually am able
to gather myself together enough to chat, laugh and have the best time possible
given my limitations. I was unable to do
that Monday. She could see it, and only
stayed a short time. I felt bad, as it is
a long drive. Perhaps I should have
called to cancel, but I wanted to see her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, last night I was in one of my awful
mental/spiritual/physical situations, crying for it to be over. I begged for Ida to appear to me; to show me
something that would help. Like death. It wasn’t my usual crying jags. It was more of a giving up emotion. I’m just worn out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The surgery in February was a bust, the tumors are back and
hurt like heck; my cataract surgery changed nothing, except that it’s a little
worse. The dry eye makes my eyes
hurt. I did get a new prescription which
should be in soon and I’m hoping I can go back to reading….I know I can do
audio books but it’s not the same thing.
Reading is cathartic; listening feels passive unless the speaker grabs
hold and even then the experience isn’t the same. So poor me, pity potty, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, after waking up every hour I finally fell
asleep. Then came the dream. I was in the Rainbow Room with my family (not
all, but I remember some) and my Grandma Ida was to the left of me, eating
quietly. At some point, everyone but my
grandmother moved to the other side of the table, down and away from her and
me. Then, suddenly, we were in a hotel
room, only it was a room next to a noisy street full of drug addicts and
hookers. I tried to get us a different
room. And I did. Then I woke up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I haven’t a clue what any of it meant. The “hooker/addict” thing could have been
about me (well, the addict thing anyway) but I’m not an addict; dependent yes, but
as I always say, I’d flush every last pill down the toilet if I could. But I need them the same way someone else
needs blood pressure medication, etc. Somehow
though, seeing her and being aware there was a “rainbow” involved, lifted my
spirits a bit. I went out with my help
today to get some things to make a slow cooker soup. I’ve been experimenting
with slow cooker recipes, just so I get food in me. So far, I haven’t found anything I like, But right now, I smell the aroma of the
lentil/Portobello mushroom soup that Maria is making for me.. We shall see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And maybe, just maybe, I’ll see Ida soon.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-32966345307384703352015-10-21T09:11:00.004-07:002015-10-21T09:11:44.357-07:00Calming Influences<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">A</span>s I write this I am watching the Decorah Eagles who are
back for 2015 thanks to a dedicated group of people in Decorah and around the
country who have donated time and money and hard labor putting back what was
sadly, broken. The cameras came down in
a storm, then the nest and then much to everyone’s anguish, the death of Bob
Anderson, who made all this possible through the Raptor Resources Project. It was an awesome effort that culminated in a
“starter nest” which these beautiful majestic eagles have taken to. They are currently making “nestorations” for
the coming year so hopefully, we will have much to see (in high definition no
less) this year. I can’t wait. The camera operators are unbelievable. If you haven’ t done so, visit them at:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles">http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles</a>
and enjoy! Right now, I’m watching them
wrestle with sticks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Between the live cam eagles and the real life squirrels and
hummingbirds, I am entertained when I allow myself to relax into it and
appreciate the things that I DO have. It
helps put the pain, frustration and anxiety in the background. I’m listening to my bilateral music too…all
these things help some, when I let it.
Letting it is always the challenge though. It’s been a rough few days. Anxiety is high, pain is high, panic is high
and I’m not (high) LOL. Not sure if the
CBD is working much; hard to tell. But I
was without it for three days when the pipe broke and I was in a bit more pain
during that time so maybe it is working.
I’d like to know how the eagles stay calm. They have a rough life but they always look
so proud, so happy to be alive and knowing what they have to do to survive does
not include even a nanosecond of self-reflection or pity. They would die if they stopped for a
moment, and they know that innately.
Wish I could say I know it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last night was a bit better after a difficult day. As I closed my eyes in bed, I gave thanks for
it. I said “thank you for the better
evening” and as I did, I instantaneously heard (in my head, of course) “thank
you for accepting it” and I kind of got that familiar jolt of understanding
that my relationship with those who have passed is symbiotic in nature. I just have to listen to the quiet and they
are there for me. My loved ones, G-d and
my guides. All of them. All the time.
And I was reminded that it isn’t enough that I have a “good” day or a
good hour; if I don’t accept it, if I am only aware of the pain and the
challenges, I will never have a good moment.
Paying attention is essential.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-16031218470691297932015-10-19T14:37:00.005-07:002015-10-19T14:37:40.019-07:00Acceptance<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span> vacillate a lot here so stay with me. Dragging under the weight of myself I rear up
again and again, not knowing why I struggle to stay afloat in a life I profess
to hate. Not because of what I don’t
have; never because of what I don’t have.
Accepting what I do have is always the challenge, always the thing that
haunts me night after night then day after day as I struggle to make sense of a
question that no one on Earth can answer
Why? Not “why me?” that sounds so
selfish and silly. Having all this time
to do nothing but read the news and try to make sense of what we do on the
planet, the mistakes we make over and over again in the name of …of what There is a strong wind blowing and it’s
moving closer and closer to extinguish the flame on the candle that is us. The one that burned bright at one time. Or did it ever? History tells us it struggled to burn
brightly from its inception and may only have done so to cast the darkest of
shadows. But staying focused on the
light is the only way to win the struggle.
All struggles, regardless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on near death
experiences, spirituality and such. Saw
some great ones with Ekhart Tolle, the guy who wrote The Power of Now. And I’m trying very hard to remember to just
trust G-d. When that thought hits me,
the tension diminishes, just like when I remember that I am loved. I still pray for death every night,
sometimes all day. I had a great hold on
my emotions for several months but it all fell apart. I try to imagine the pain as something other
than pain; something neutral, something pleasant even. Sometimes it works, sometimes it
doesn’t. Because I have to keep a hold
on it every second of every day and it’s impossible to do so. But all one can do is try.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I’ll keep trying to keep my head above the raging waters
of pain and keep reading inspirational stories and watching/listening to spiritually based YouTube videos. They sooth my soul. Accepting the way things are is challenging,
to say the least. One of my favorite quotes,
which I have on my blog (but haven’t thought about lately) is this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>“The desire for
freedom, as it motivates us to our natural state is great joy; the desire to be
free from things the way they are, great suffering” </i>Stephen Levine</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-35215467023002898092015-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:002015-10-15T08:42:05.735-07:00Bravery<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">M</span>y eyesight still hasn’t improved. Sigh.
It would be nice to get to the other side of one of my challenges. My tumors in the leg where I had surgery grew
back. And there has been a general
increase in their numbers. See, this is
why I get so frustrated and freak out from time to time. Everyone has challenges. I don’t think I’m alone in mine for one
second. It’s not being able to get past
mine that frustrated me. Sometimes I can
accept it, sometimes I can’t. And when I
can’t, when I start thinking about people who have, and get past their
challenges, that’s when things start to de-escalate for me. Staying in the now becomes a major
challenge. But I work on it. Every second of every day. Sometimes I can (do it) and sometimes I
can’t. That’s life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good news! (for me).
The eagles are back! After all
the setbacks this year (the nest fell in a storm, the director of Raptor
Resources Project passed away), the good folks of Decorah, IA made a starter
nest and Mom and Dad took to it! Cameras
are back up and I just checked in on them.
So good to see them working on making the new nest home. If all goes well, in six to eight weeks we
should see (three, hopefully ) eggs!
Three is high for eagles, but that’s when these two have been producing
and there have been 23 so far (two the first year). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So between the eagles on the webcam and the hummingbirds,
squirrels, Stellar Jays and some tiny birds I can’t identify all on my deck, I’m
entertained. Now I just need my eyes to
come back so I can return to reading. I
started listening to digital books but it’s not the same (for me). I love to read.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-79859731062340258562015-10-04T15:31:00.003-07:002015-10-08T10:21:48.250-07:00Eben Alexander<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span> was telling someone about my thoughts on Eben Alexander and how they have shifted. Strangely, Dr. Alexander responded to an email I had written a few weeks ago. And it was personal, not one of those automated responses. In writing to my friend about him, she sent me this article which I found amazing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was right the first time (about him) and should not have doubted. In doing so, I've had one of the most horrific weeks I've had in a very long time. Dig deep, before making decisions. To decide is to cut off other possibilities. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />http://iands.org/news/news/front-page-news/970-esquire-article-on-eben-alexander-distorts-the-facts.html</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sorry, I can't get the link to work. Cut and paste....worth it</span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Long, but good article.</span>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-47662469928883232912015-10-01T12:25:00.001-07:002015-10-01T12:25:20.281-07:00Eye Yai Yai!<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span> was supposed to have a cataract removed Monday
morning. I got there, and was told they
were running an hour behind schedule.
Not much I could do about that. I
found four chairs lined up together and was able to lie down. Thirty minutes later, three staff people came
out and explained to all of us waiting (no one had been called in at all during
that time) that they were cancelling everyone due to an unexpected death of a
staff member. Very sad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I went back Tuesday and had it done. I had to arrange different rides on Monday
and Tuesday and again on Wednesday (my regular person was sick) for the
follow-up. At present, my eyesight is blurred and I am actually seeing worse
than before. But they checked out my
eyes on the follow-up and said it was fine, the healing is different for
everyone. I have to wear a Captain
Sparrow patch (actually, it’s plastic) at night, and put in three different eye
drops four times a day for four weeks.
That’s fun. Just add it to all my
other garbage I must take.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think about all the people in the world who are so
dependent on mediation to get through the day.
It completely freaks me out when I realize how little it would take to
lose access to all of them and what I would do should that happen. I started to watch film based on a real life story about
difficult it is to get medical supply companies to listen to new ideas….this
one being retractable needles to end the hundreds of thousand accidental needle
pricks to medical staff. It’s called
“Puncture”. I couldn’t finish it. That kind of stuff angers me and anger isn’t
good for pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m so bored I could scream.
I go out for three days in a row and it’s hard on my body but then I
want to go out again because I realize just how bad my cabin fever is. I don’t notice it when I go for a week
without leaving the house, but as soon as I do I realize just how cramped in I
am. Currently, my entertainment is
feeding the squirrels and the blue jays.
Pathetic. I even have this
Halloween skeleton rigged up to scare away the blue jays when they get to
aggressive and scare away the squirrels.
Anything to keep me occupied!</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-49349172994393426772015-09-27T09:11:00.001-07:002015-09-27T14:56:50.323-07:00Last Night (UPDATE)<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">L</span>ast night was one of my worst. Physically, mentally, emotionally and
spiritually, I was a mess. All I could
think about was all those pills, silently beckoning me, taunting me, daring me
to take them all. I actually starting
calculating how many it would require to get the job done. Permanently. What’s ironic is that the fear that often
makes my pain spike is the fear that keeps me from exiting out of this
nightmare. I often listen to Eben
Alexander’s journey (according to him, of course) to Heaven and back, but last
night I started to really investigate him, something I’ve never done, and now
the doubt and embarrassment at my own gullibility took center stage and everything
that ever left his mouth or graced the pages of his two books flew out the
window of my soul, if indeed I have one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My struggles with G-d are often epic, fraught with the same
questions anyone else asks when faced with the challenges I face and dosed with
the usual campaigns of proof based on the state of the planet and those who
occupy its deteriorating landscapes and
unbreathable air. I cried, screamed and
planned until I finally fell into a restless sleep that woke me every few hours
no better off than when I first slipped into bed, hoping it would be my last
time. I was a mess.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When this happens, all my “tricks” for staying present and
unafraid scurry off and I am left defenseless, just waiting for it all to
pass. All. To. Pass. I try hard to think of things that are
reasons to keep on keeping on.
Family. Friends. The lunar eclipse that’s tonight (though in
Seattle, seeing it will be a miracle in its mostly cloudy skies) and my soon to
be cataract-free right eye. Reading
again should be something to celebrate (after four weeks of three, four times a
day eye drops).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But is it enough?
This is the constant question I torture myself with. Heck, I don’t even blog like I used to. I feel I have nothing to say that’s new,
nothing to share that’s relevant or helpful, nothing to add, subtract or make
clearer. Oh, my new pipe came and it
works. I could tell as soon as I looked
at it that a piece had been missing, which is why it leaked. So I’ll be dosing before my appointment
tomorrow since they won’t be giving me anything due to all the drugs in my
body. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t blame the doctor for being a bit freaked when he saw
the list of meds. And CBD doesn’t make
you goofy like THC (the part of cannabis, or as we call it in the states,
marijuana, that makes you high). They
can even sell it online as a supplement now.
Wonder how long that will last.
The US is so screwed up I’ve lost ways to count how much so. Our prison system, our gun “laws”, our
denial at what’s in front of our faces.
I am so saddened for anyone younger than 30. Which includes my nieces and nephew. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I wonder if indeed my family would prefer it if I checked out; not for them, of course, but for me. My sister often tells me "she could never have lasted this long if it were her". I know she means it as a compliment and a way to let me know she would understand if I took matters into my own hands. It would not bode well with me if she tried to convince me life is worth living no matter what. The conversation itself was taboo for many years after her first husband took his life. For reasons no one could fathom. And the truth is, you don't know what you can and cannot handle until you're faced with it. If someone had told me this is here I'd be 10 years ago, I may have ended it then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just pray it’s me and my mindset and that there is
hope. Hope for those with NF and all
other diseases and disorders, hope that our food and water sources are somehow
saved, hope that our air becomes breathable and hope that I get off this planet
and onto some other realm that offers a pain free existence. I saw this short piece the other day. Who knows if it’s true. But I liked it:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a
professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always
displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never
lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…there were always
arguments and confrontations.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at
the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat
next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not
understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude
child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly
away," and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters,
reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi
responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated,
asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the
street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with
a lot of money, which one would you take?"<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Without hesitating, Gandhi
responded, "The one with the money, of course." Mr. Peters,
smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken wisdom,
don't you think?" Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,
"Each one takes what he doesn't have." <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Mr. Peters, by this time was
beside himself and so great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet
the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet
and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated
his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the
professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone,
"Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gandhi<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="background-color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who am I today? Gandhi, or the Professor</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">? </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-6242902165520372242015-09-23T07:48:00.000-07:002015-09-23T07:48:31.368-07:00Vaping<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span> had a post about hemp oil from a company called
HealthyHempOil.com. I took it down not
because of the company but because of some concerns I had about all hemp oil
and an ingredient that is widely used called Propylene Glycol (PG). <a href="https://www.projectcbd.org/article/how-safe-your-vape-pen">https://www.projectcbd.org/article/how-safe-your-vape-pen</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just want everyone who checks out using a vaporizer with
hemp oil to help with the pain understands it all. There are some oils made with natural
ingredients and I’m trying to get a hold of some. It seems like the vast majority of the oils does
use PG from the places I’ve checked. I’ve
been using the “cartridges” that go into the vape “pen” for over a year. I just switched to the oils, but when it’s
heated from the battery in the pen, that’s where the potential danger arises. So check it out and decide for yourself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was impressed with HealthyHempOIl.com in terms of the team
and the service, and all the sites I looked at use pretty much the same
products, but a few don’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In other news, my cataract surgery is coming up on the 28<sup>th</sup>
and I can’t wait. My eye has been
hurting like crazy. Hope it’s nothing
more than the cataract, though it might be something else. However, when I had the eye exam, they didn’t
raise any alarms about another problem, so fingers crossed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pain has been up and down, mostly up. The weather turned a few weeks ago and will
stay this way for some time now. We
needed the rain. I’ve been leaving
peanuts out for a couple squirrels on my deck, and the Stellar Blue Jays are
driving them away. They are the
campground bird stealers. Last weekend I
caught a couple squirrels making whoopee on the deck as I closed the
blinds. No respect, I tell ya!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-38795735631140185352015-09-14T08:41:00.004-07:002015-09-14T08:41:32.040-07:00Generations<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span>his past June, a cousin of mine in another state has a
daughter who got married. Like all else
that is family and friends, it was an event I had to miss. Today is the first day of the High Holy Days,
another event I am missing. All due to
NF. I’ve missed the holidays (High Holy
Days) for years now. Missing the wedding
of a cousins child was one that hurt. A
lot.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, I just got a link to a video on it. It looked like something out of a movie. So many people I haven’t seen in so many
years, half I did not recognize. Except
that I did. They just looked…older. If they looked older, I must look like my
great grandmother. I watched
as Danielle walked down the aisle, as they broke the glass, as everyone cheered
(all with music, no other sound) as they danced, laughed and celebrated the joy
of a new generation starting a new chapter of their lives.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These are the things that bring up the pain and make it
worse. These are the things that hurt
like hell. Not being able to share in
the joy. Not being able to dance, to fly
out somewhere and celebrate a life changing event, not being able to do the
simple things that everyone takes for granted. I want so much to be in the world and not
just of it. But it is not to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s these moments I must remember, must really, really
work on remembering, that I am loved.
Not just familial love. Not just
friendship love, but that bigger, indescribable
love that comes from the place we came from, the place to which we are
returning, the place that has no bounds, no physical restrictions, no sadness about
not being able to do the things that limit me here on Earth due to our bodies
or any other kind of restrictions. A
place humans cannot destroy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a spiritual being having a human experience. And as human experiences go, as they all go,
it is a challenge I just may have signed up for, for better or worse. My job is to complete it.<o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-43029404986685303092015-08-31T14:47:00.002-07:002015-08-31T14:47:36.683-07:00One Year Ago<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span>’m finding it hard to believe (on one hand) that a year has
passed since my dad died. A year ago
Saturday. I always feel his presence
around me but I did particularly this
weekend and then remembered that date. I
still miss him so much. Thinking of him
gives me such comfort. And I sure needed
it this weekend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had this huge windstorm on Saturday and by noon the power
had gone off. It flickered on and off
six times before it died. Since I don’t
go anywhere, I had no clue to the extent of the damage. I did watch as this tree outside my window
bowed completely horizontally at one point.
Freaked me <i>out</i>. A friend of mine was over and she left about
2 because we had no idea how much worse it might get. She lives about 30 minutes from me and I told
her to call when she got home. After
close to three hours, I figured she had forgotten. I had no phone either, except for my cell and
I didn’t want to drain the battery just in case. It’s not a smart phone. She finally called and told me it took her
all that time to get home. Trees were
everywhere, lights were out, stores were closed. Because of the draught, the water doesn’t
soak up as well and the oil on the streets makes driving dangerous. I was hearing sirens of all kind non-stop for
hours. I gathered candles and my one
flashlight (which I just bought batteries for a month ago, thank heaven) and
got everything arranged “just in case”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Between my bad eyes and the darkness, reading wasn’t an
option and the battery on my laptop drained pretty fast. I had no service anyway, so there wasn’t much
to do. I had snack type food, but
everything else needed to be cooked, which wasn’t an option. Plus, I didn’t want to open the freezer even
once if I could help it. It can keep
things frozen for 24 hours usually. I
went to bed, woke up a few times and saw that the power wasn’t back on. By morning, I phoned a friend whose power was
on and she checked online for me. It
read that power might not be restored until Tuesday or Wednesday! So I called my brother, who had no clue about
the outages. Over 150,000 of us, but he
lives 50 minutes from me and was fine.
So he was going to come get me and an hour later, my power came back
up. First thing I did was check the
freezer. The only thing that melted were
my blueberries and ice cream, both of which could re-freeze safely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am lucky and grateful, because over 20,000 in my area are
still without power. They have to move
the trees before they can fix the lines.
There is someone I need to call but her phone isn’t working yet so I’m
guessing it’s the power. We are so
dependent on so many things out our control it’s beyond frightening. And my UTI hasn’t left yet. And the pain has been bad, the weather’s not
helping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was able to listen to my bilateral music a bit before the
batteries drained, so that was good. But
the pain was not happy.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-31369801812812526862015-08-23T10:04:00.002-07:002015-08-23T10:04:24.483-07:00New Eyes<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">M</span>y relationship with pain has changed over the past six
weeks or so. It started with that
session I had with Divanna, my healer and acupuncturist. That was the one when she coached me into
saying (“with love” was my addition) “With love, I give back the pain that was
given to me (with love) for this incarnation”.
When I repeat those words, along with “I am loved, there is no fear”
which I got from listening to Eben
Alexander on YouTube and from reading his books “Proof of Heaven” and “Map of
Heaven”. Whew.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, I have been listening to Bilateral Stimulation music
from David Grand and my new favorite, Jorge Henderson Collazo (on YouTube and I
purchased five because it’s cheap and easier to access) with headphones. The headphones are necessary to get the full
effect of the bilateral stimulation.
It’s much like eye movement therapy, which helps people who have had a
trauma or a chronic condition; really helps for those with PTS and so forth. I highly recommend it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is the pain still there?
Yes, it is. Do I still have times
when it feels like agony? Yes, of
course. But when I go into “I am loved”
mode, it becomes tolerable. And I have a
lot of challenges coming up so I’ll need the support. I am having cataract surgery on September 28
and so far, have no way to get there because it’s early in the morning and my
regular help can’t do it then. And I
have to go back early the next morning so they can check it. The procedure itself is at the doctor’s
office and only 15 minutes (but a total of three hours for prep, etc.) and no
general anesthesia. But the doctor saw
the list of my meds and doesn’t want to give me ANYTHING because he needs me to
be awake. I haven’t told him all this
stuff doesn’t make me sleepy but I think I’ll just toke up before I go. He said there was no pain so I’m not really
worried about it. And I’ll find a ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, these are the things that challenge my relationship
with pain. Six weeks ago, I’d have been
worrying about all this and getting all stressed out right up until the
surgery, which is a month away yet. Now,
I use the bilateral technique along with the words I say (and I don’t just
repeat them over and over without meaning; I wait until it really sinks in and
until I feel my body let it is and relax.
I would like to take the music with me but I don’t have anything except
the IPad. It’s not even on it and I
don’t know how to get it on it. I just
go to YouTube with the iPad. What I
bought is on my laptop. Not sure if I
can access there Wi-Fi while I’m there.
But I’d love to listen to it while they are doing the surgery.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">So I’ll keep practicing the relaxation and
looking for the right person to take me (I’ll call the supervisor next week and
let her know I’m needing someone else for that date if I don’t hear back from
the people I’m checking with) and I’m sure it will be fine. The stupid eye drops (three different ones,
all with different directions over a four week period) would normally send me
over the moon too. Very confusing and
I’ll have one less eye to read the directions during that time. But in the end, I’ll go back to the
optometrist and get a new prescription and I’ll be able to read again!!! I miss it like crazy!!! New eyes, both literally and figuratively</span>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-36175600450514292452015-08-13T14:14:00.001-07:002015-08-14T16:29:34.551-07:00Pain Meditation<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span> posted a <b>new </b>binaural pain meditation piece that I’ve been
listening to (on the right). If you go to YouTube you
can find many different binaural beats; some for meditation, sleep and this one
is for pain. It really does help if you
give it a chance. Use headphones, get in
a comfortable position and just listen to it when you have a chance to be quiet
for at least 30 minutes or so. Humming
with it also helps. And I’ve been
repeating my new mantra: You are loved, there is nothing to fear” and, my new
favorite “With love, I give back all the pain that was given to me, with love.” Something shifts inside when I say those
words and it's like the air going out of a balloon in terms of pain relief..<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a hard day today.
A busy week. I saw my pain doc on
Tuesday, FORCED myself to go shopping with my help on Wednesday (as I haven’t
done that in MONTHS) and today, saw my healer.
So I’m in a lot of pain today, even though seen the healer usually helps. I’m listening to my pain meditation while I
write this. Not the way you should do it
but sometimes, having it on while I do something else takes my mind off it
enough so that I’m not “trying” to force it, you know? I listen to the one on lucid dreaming at
night, though I don’t want to fall asleep with it on because it’s You Tube, and
an ad may jump out at me in the middle of a REM cycle (LOL).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My visit with the pain doc went okay; a new doc was
there. There is always someone new that
has a bunch of questions for me. This
doc was kind, sensitive and listened well to what I had to say about NF, pain and all I do to manage it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m keeping this short, as the pain is bad. Just wanted to check in!<o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-61135003893125726402015-08-03T14:04:00.000-07:002015-08-03T14:26:51.040-07:00Hornets vs Bees<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">A</span>bout six weeks ago, I wrote that the Decorah eagle camera
came down in a storm. Two weeks later,
the nest came down. Last week, Bob
Anderson, the guy who makes all the Decorah eagle stuff possible (through
Raptor Resource Project….his passion was actually Peregrine Falcons) passed
away suddenly. I wept. Between that and the killing of Cecil the
lion, I’m about to nix the news from my daily list things. It makes the
pain worse anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my new approach to aiding in the reduction of pain hasn’t
been working the last few days. I really
think the emotional roller coaster is contributing to it. That and I had gotten so comfortable with the
meditation I lulled myself into believing I had somehow overcome the pain
altogether. Not. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I start to practice again, along with icing my legs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My newest challenge is a bunch of black hornets that are
annoying my hummingbirds, not to mention me.
I made a DIY hornet catcher out of a plastic water bottle; just cut two
holes (flaps pushed inward so they get in but not out) and filled with sugar
water. I catch a bunch, but there are
always more. And then I thought about
Cecil and how upset I was and ask myself, am I that different than Walter Palmer,
the trophy killing , idiot? It’s easy
to laugh at that but really, killing is killing, right? Of course, these guys are hardly
majestic. See? I did it again. Justifiable homicide. They are pests, they sting, they scare away
the hummingbirds. Bees I leave be. I eat honey and they are dwindling in
number. They are essential to the
environment. But hornets? I’ll have to look that up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe that’s why the pain is so bad. Guilt.
Craziness.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
A repeat song<br />
<br />
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-75233196334108682552015-07-13T13:41:00.004-07:002015-08-11T18:18:53.837-07:00What Am I Missing?<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>First, the not so good<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">O</span>h man, it almost never gives me a break anymore, not for a
day, not for more than a precious few hours (sometimes). I laugh when I hear people talking about how
they “can’t” meditate for twenty minutes (at all, let alone daily) because they
can’t “clear their heads”. Clearing
your head is not, and never was, the goal.
The goal is to be aware of your breath, to watch it as you inhale and
exhale (I exhale a couple of counts longer than I inhale; that’s good for
stress). But for me, if I am not in that
state <i>all the time</i>, the pain is
intolerable. And let’s face it. All. The. Time. isn’t gonna happen. I’m no monk.
I’m just a grown woman in agony from tumors that grow and grow and hurt
and hurt and never seem to want to LET. ME. GO. And that’s what I pray to G-d every single
night. LET. ME. GO. Moses asked G-d to “Let his people go” but
that was different. Moses wasn’t asking
for death. He was asking to be
free. And in a similar way, that’s what
I’m asking, Dear G-d. To be free from
this agony. And once dead, will I
be? Or will it be worse (if I take my
own life)? <o:p></o:p></div>
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I try and imagine what it is I’m missing. What “t” didn’t I cross, what “I” didn’t I dot. Okay, okay.
I never got married. Never had
kids. Never had a career. But it’s a little late in the game, if that’s
what I’m supposed to have done. So
what? Now I have to wait this out for
who knows how long, because I missed those things? Naw, that’s not it. No way is that it. I’m being facetious. I’m missing something bigger. And as this goes one, I think I’m moving
further, rather than closer, to that knowledge.
I’m too tired. I can’t think,
because of the pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<u>Getting Better </u></div>
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I had an appointment today with my
healer/acupuncturist. She has saved my
life in many ways, with her energy work, her oils and her instructions to me
while she works on me. Today was a very
powerful day. I was in tremendous pain,
and she asked me to give back the pain (to
whatever power I wanted to call it; G-d, Mother, Father….) and I had this huge
opening. I was doing what she instructed
when I suddenly whispered “I give back all my pain (in whatever form, as
instructed by her) with the same love in which it was given to me. Wow.
That stopped me in my tracks. I
realized in that instant that (as everyone has been telling me) although this
FEELS like punishment, it is not. It is
love. It’s all love.a<o:p></o:p></div>
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If thinking about death scares me as it sometimes does, I
try to remember that every single person you know, everyone you don’t know,
everyone you’ve ever met or will meet will die, it somehow comforts me. The unknown of it still freaks me a little,
but it can’t be worse than living. At
least not<br />
for me. Perhaps I shouldn’t
tempt….whatever. I am currently watching
and listening to a debate on YouTube between a couple rabbis and Christopher
Hitchens, the (nowdeceased) famous atheist, on the afterlife. It is interesting, listening to whether or
not an afterlife exists. There are
several of these on YouTube and they all fascinate me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was just reading about this nine year old girl with some
horrible blood cancer who has to spend the next nine MONTHS in the hospital to
attack the cancer aggressively. It was
in the news because she is a Taylor Swift fan and was disappointed because her
hospital stay means she’ll miss her concert.
Taylor Swift saw (her dad put a video of her on Instagram, hoping Ms.
Swift might give her a shout. She did
see it, and gave $50,000 toward her medical expenses). I read that article and felt ashamed to be
bitching about my life. She’s NINE YEARS
OLD. I don’t understand G-d; I don’t
understand humanity (if that’s what you can call us). I watch all these documentaries on nature and
think about how we have decimated this planet and how we kill anything that
looks at us cross eyed and I wonder.
That’s it. I just wonder.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A good YouTube to watch is Eban Alexander talking about his
book “Proof of Heaven”. There are
several, but the one that’s a little over an hour is the most complete. He had an incredible near death experience while
in a coma. He’s a neuroscientist/doctor
so he was coming from a very different POV prior to the experience, which
should have killed him. Very interesting and helps (for me) calm the
nerves. He speaks of not being afraid,
of being loved. Sounds hokey; you have
to hear (or read the book) the whole thing.
I plan to read his follow up book (I read the first but don’t own it)
called “A Map to Heaven”. Wonder if you
can use Google maps or GPS? LOL.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-18035031340564620502015-07-06T11:31:00.000-07:002015-07-06T14:41:39.988-07:00Heat and Pain<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">S</span>eattle is in the midst of a heatwave. I know for many parts of the country and the
rest of the planet, high eighties and mid-nineties seem like a cool breeze, but
we are acclimated to mid-sixties and seventies in the summer. Mostly, we are acclimated to rain, with a few
eighties now and then. This is
torture. Few of us have air conditioning
and fans cannot be found in stores anywhere.
My brother, bless his heart, convinced a guy at Home Depot (bless them)
to let him pre-pay with his credit card for one that was on order for them. Seattle hasn’t seen this <i>ever</i>. Not for this
long. A year and a half of warm
weather. I want the dreariness back,
even though that is painful for me as well (physically).<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s a free standing one that you vent out the window and it
has saved me from further torture. Took my brother and his wife two hours to get it in! I am so blessed to have a family that cares about me. Between the pain and the heat, I have been going insane. Mostly with worry over the planet and climate
change. Anyone who thinks it isn’t real
needs to get an education. And I’m not
talking about the increase in the temperature.
That isn’t climate change, but part of the fall-out from it. Watching documentaries on nature and knowing
what we have done to this planet is sickening to me. That’s my rant.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The heat has made the pain worse, because everything swells
up. I don’t know, truth be told, and
should stop trying to figure it out. It
is what it is. And it hurts. I just read another article on Huffington
Post about assisted suicide and the lack most states allowing it. I wrote to one of the contributors of the
article about how, even with states that allow it, it leaves out a huge
population of people who don’t have a <i>terminal</i>
illness which will kill them fast, but rather, a <i>chronic</i>
condition that will kill them eventually, usually slowly and painfully.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The former is better for the patient, though they may not
agree at the time. The latter may be better for loved ones in terms of having
you around, but then, watching you suffer is no joy. And it’s really no joy for the patient.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-90628943310378618282015-06-24T11:20:00.000-07:002015-06-24T13:30:38.243-07:00Bye, Bye, Birdies<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">T</span>he eagle camera got burned to a crisp during a bad storm,
and the eaglets are hanging around the nest so they can’t do anything about fixing or replacing it
until they disperse. And the head guy at
Raptors Resource Project (Bob Anderson) had a bad health scare and was unavailable to
take a look at it. But everyone knows
(or is pretty sure) it’s going to have to wait a while. Actually, the eaglets are usually dispersed
by now anyway and there isn’t much to see but I sure miss it. As you can tell by my last post, I’ve grown
to adore bald eagles.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yesterday, June 23, was my birthday. My family and I celebrated a few days early
as they are both in Minnesota right now, where they are unveiling my father’s
headstone. In Jewish tradition, that
happens one year (or thereabouts) after someone dies. He died at the end of August. It’s really not that early because we use the
Jewish calendar. Hard to explain how it
works here, so just trust me on this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My body doesn’t know my birthday so the pain was doing what
it usually does. Give me grief. My friends and I also celebrated early as
they were unavailable on “the” day. So I
went to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned.
Happy Birthday, teeth! I got some
beautiful cards from good friends and extended NF friends; had some wonderful
email conversations, one with a long lost friend who got back in touch with me
after about a two year absence. That was
nice.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My next batch (I haven’t had many lately) of books comes in
on Friday (Library on Wheels) and I’m looking forward to that. I have been reading via Kindle, but I like to
hold a book. I’ve become like one of
those “old school” women I used to laugh about when I was in my twenties. They just couldn’t get with the program, I
used to think. At least I’m computer savvy. But I started learning in the mid 80’s, when
they first came out. Thank
goodness. I still don’t text, I still
don’t have a smart phone and I still have a landline. But I’m home most of the time and don’t need
those things. I DO need the landline
because my “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” thingy is hooked into my
phone. I know you can get them attached
to your cell phone, but it would have to be on all the time and I’d need a more
expensive plan, one that Medicaid doesn’t cover.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The pain has been bad, the CBD oil was a bust (though I
haven’t taken it regularly; but from what I read, the results should have been
showing up immediately) and I need to order more essential oils<o:p></o:p></div>
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The weather has been gorgeous, very surreal for Seattle in
June. Dry as a bone, scary as hell. I have too much time to worry about the shape
our planet is in. Beware of your carbon
footprint and I don’t just mean your car.
My nephew is very involved (and employed by) getting the carbon
Washington initiative on the ballot. He
said it’s the most comprehensive one in the country (or did he say
world?). Anyway. Be well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-57496904834431510152015-06-20T11:05:00.001-07:002015-06-21T14:57:34.055-07:00Fledged<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I </span>first started watching the Decorah eagles last year. From hatch to fledge. I did so this season as well, and it is one
of the things that keeps me sane in my insane body. It’s a bit addicting, watching these
beautiful creatures and learning about them from everyone on the chat. The moderators are kind and informed and the
chat is a respectable place to be due to the moderators input and
influence. There are whole schoolrooms
who check in and ask questions, so keeping the chat respectful was
essential. I’ve been on other live cam
sites and most don’t have moderators, let alone people who are respectful of
everyone else. Today is National Bald Eagle Day so I thought I'd post this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This particular eagle couple (they mate for life) is the
most famous on the internet. Just type
in Decorah Eagles in your search engine and you’ll find many references to
them. YouTube has a bunch of videos of them, and there is an eagle documentary
that features these two birds. Each
year, the female lays three eggs; that’s high for eagle couples. Usually it’s one or two eggs, but she has consistently
laid three. This year, was D21, D22 and
D23. They do not give them names in
Decorah. The “D” is of course, for Decorah. And the numbers represent the number of
eaglets she has produced.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sadly, last year was not a good one. The gnats were especially bad and the
eaglets fledged (they said on time but the gnats were influential in their
fledge) and one was injured and broke a wing and though healed now, is in
captivity (training to be an “ambassador” for eagles which means he will be a
teaching bird once trained), another was electrocuted almost immediately and
the third was also electrocuted later.
Decorah has been retrofitting the power lines to make them safe, but not
all are. Perching on them is dangerous
for the eagles.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This year was spectacular.
The three birds seems loving to each other; they do have some fighting,
but it’s mainly to teach them how to take care of themselves once they are on
their own. Now that they have fledged,
mom and dad will keep teaching them hunting and survival skills for a few
months and then they are on their own.
It is very hard to turn away from watching them and the Raptor Resources
Project, which is who has the cameras set up (the operators of the cameras do
an awesome job of panning and close-ups daily), is an incredible project that
teaches about raptors of all kinds.
Donate to them if you can, as they are run by volunteers for the most
part.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKx97cbpDqdn29QAeXqPv6zdAFdSTjBgDgkAcQMJQHZujK8As8M8FLroThFAMKIc5_IUVT3QZPKpsrUpQYV1JJcQdqTy_egoA5BtyfvJHM_SZBMR2T4f4BI5BLZs_757K0-KR-yg0ynWQ/s1600/eagles+three.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKx97cbpDqdn29QAeXqPv6zdAFdSTjBgDgkAcQMJQHZujK8As8M8FLroThFAMKIc5_IUVT3QZPKpsrUpQYV1JJcQdqTy_egoA5BtyfvJHM_SZBMR2T4f4BI5BLZs_757K0-KR-yg0ynWQ/s320/eagles+three.png" width="320" /></a>I am including a screenshot I took of them as babies, just
over 75 days ago. They grow quickly and
in two and a half months, are close to grown.
However, they don’t reach adulthood for five years. In the wild, they live 30 plus years if they
are lucky. Man is their biggest
threat. They are protected under Federal
Law, though not endangered anymore thanks to the laws put forth in the 70’s.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Babies to the first one to fledge. Go to YouTube and type in Decorah Eagles to see lots of videos of these incredible birds. Keep watching the fledging one until he leaves the nest. The jumping and hovering and wing flapping is practiced for several weeks before they take off</div>
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Just added a screenshot of all three! On a branch near nest 1. They were raised in nest 2<br />
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I thought the song below was appropriate for some reason</div>
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-5416227952469221522015-06-17T08:23:00.000-07:002015-06-17T17:32:33.417-07:00Appreciation, Love and Humor<span style="font-size: x-large;">M</span>y dear friend Becky, whose daughter also has NF, has been telling her friends about me and several have sent me the most beautiful inspirational cards. I am beyond touched that total strangers to me would take the time to send me these cards through the mail, encouraging me and sending me love.<br />
<br />
Times have been very hard since the unsuccessful surgery in February. I don't get out of the house more than two or three times a month, and that's mostly for doctor appointments. The pain is so bad I'm afraid to leave.<br />
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As I have written and YouTubed about pain management, I realized today (after reading a piece in Huffington Post about it) I have been missing discussing something; having a sense of humor. For me, that includes movies and yes, cat videos. So I am putting one here for your enjoyment. Humor is indeed the best medicine (along with my addiction to the live cam eagles in IA; they have almost all fledged so I won't have that for several months, then it starts all over again (for the eagles))<br />
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And thank you all from the bottom of my heart, for your unbelievable support of a total stranger.<br />
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Love to you all<br />
Sherri<br />
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<br />Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-24319953227829563862015-06-12T17:03:00.001-07:002015-06-13T10:47:54.617-07:00 Kōan <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">P</span>ain through roof again all week. Bit of a short break Monday but those breaks
are far too few, far too far between and give me very little relief when they
do come. But you take what you can get,
right? A friend and her adult daughter
(both of whom I haven’t seen for ages; daughter lives in another state now)
were just here. I felt bad because I’m
in so much agony and wasn’t a very good hostess. Hang in there, I surface again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I medicate, meditate, use oils and call in every damn
possibility for help, spending money on CBD and anything else that just might
make a difference. But to no avail. I have long talks with my dead cat, my dead
dad, dead mom, aunts and
grandmothers. Are you seeing a
pattern? I yell at G-d and plead with
Him (if He’s real, if He listens, if He cares….with all the destruction we have
rained down on this planet, I would imagine He doesn’t hear me at all) to make
it go away or please, please, please take me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I have these conversations often. I never use to cry but now I do, often. I pray and work hard on making my stay here
as meaningful as possible, often. But
all I want to do, is let go and leave.
What am I missing? What have I
overlooked? What can I do to make the
world a better place? What can I do to
expedite my exit? It’s getting harder
and harder for me to put words together.
Hmmmm. Okay. Surfacing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s a <span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #252525; font-size: 10.5pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #252525;">kōan</span></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #252525; font-size: 10.5pt;"> </span></span></span> for you (if a tree fell in the forest
and nobody heard it fall would it make a noise? kinda thing) A person (say me) lives for 15 years in pain
that cannot be controlled anymore.
Opiates, marijuana, meditation, oils, blah, blah, blah, NOTHING works. She’s miserable unless she’s “out of her body
(meditating, etc.) which is impossible to achieve 24/7, at least for her. But the <i>key</i>,
is “out of the body” right? She can’t
sustain it on her own and only gets to that level for a short few minutes every
few hours and has used every trick she knows.
Short of a coma, how do you stay in that state?<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then it hit me. I
suddenly started thinking of my mother and the fact that she died of an Alzheimer’s
related illness. I thought, shit, if I
end up with that, I’ll be out of it AND in agony, how will I communicate my
needs and will they be met? And <i>then</i> I thought “I wonder if being
unaware of yourself if you’d even be in pain.
Or whatever other ailment you might have. Now surely, it doesn’t mean those who are
paralyzed can suddenly walk. So suddenly
being out of pain doesn’t make sense, especially since it is so obviously a
physical manifest of a tumor disorder.
But has there ever been a study done on this? Makes you wonder.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s the thing. No
one, not especially your loved ones, wants to believe it’s as bad as you (are
attempting to) describe. People start to
think “it just CAN’T be that bad” because it’s easier to deal with thinking
your loved one is starting to lose it that to think the torture they describe
is real. How can you be alive with it
like that? They may wonder. And
conversely, you DO laugh. You DO still walk around some (I do. I guess being in this kind of agony and
dependent on others for your mobility would be even more hellacious) therefore
it CAN’T be that bad. Like anything
else, you have to experience it yourself, and trust me, I would wish this on
nobody. Not. One. Soul. Not because I’m such a good person but
because …. because, that’s all.<br />
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991937831549287483.post-7723289210594325882015-06-10T10:51:00.000-07:002015-06-10T11:16:32.400-07:00Charlotte's Web Update<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">I</span>’m on day three of my Charlotte’s Web CBD oil and have
noticed some things. Don’t want to get
to excited just yet because my symptoms do change by themselves for short
periods of time. However, today I
noticed something I haven’t had for months: feeling on the bottom of my
feet! AND, I have no idea if this is
connected, but my sense of smell, which has been almost non-existent, is coming back a bit. Again, the weather here has been hot (though
not humid) and for some reason, the pain has been very bad. I don’t understand that because if it’s nice
out, it means the barometer is normal or high and usually that’s a good thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I took it three times on Monday and Tuesday and plan to do
the same today. It has also helped a bit
with my anxiety. The pain, not so
much. But all these other things
contribute to the pain being bad so I welcome any and all changes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s the thing. If
you have been dosing yourself (as I have) with opiates and other medication for
years on end, our bodies might not respond to something that is more “natural”
than the meds. I mentioned it in my
other post and I think it’s true.
However, I will try anything and everything I can before throwing in the
towel (so to speak…not talking suicide).
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Visit <a href="http://www.theroc.us/charlottes-web#">http://www.theroc.us/charlottes-web#</a> to find out more, and try one of the
oils. Expensive, but could be well worth
it. Especially for seizures.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What’s odd is, Neurontin, which I take, was initially
marketed as a seizure medication. Then
it was used “off label” (meaning not yet approved by the FDA) for pain. Now it’s
prescribed for pain. CBD was initially
used for seizures….now they have found it helps with many other ailments. Live and learn.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you've never heard of the Capital Steps listen to this. They are very funny and on NPR on occasion. Enjoy<br />
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Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00420505279449022321noreply@blogger.com0