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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Calming Influences

As I write this I am watching the Decorah Eagles who are back for 2015 thanks to a dedicated group of people in Decorah and around the country who have donated time and money and hard labor putting back what was sadly, broken.  The cameras came down in a storm, then the nest and then much to everyone’s anguish, the death of Bob Anderson, who made all this possible through the Raptor Resources Project.  It was an awesome effort that culminated in a “starter nest” which these beautiful majestic eagles have taken to.  They are currently making “nestorations” for the coming year so hopefully, we will have much to see (in high definition no less) this year.  I can’t wait.  The camera operators are unbelievable.  If you haven’ t done so, visit them at: and enjoy!  Right now, I’m watching them wrestle with sticks.

Between the live cam eagles and the real life squirrels and hummingbirds, I am entertained when I allow myself to relax into it and appreciate the things that I DO have.  It helps put the pain, frustration and anxiety in the background.  I’m listening to my bilateral music too…all these things help some, when I let it.  Letting it is always the challenge though.  It’s been a rough few days.  Anxiety is high, pain is high, panic is high and I’m not (high) LOL.  Not sure if the CBD is working much; hard to tell.  But I was without it for three days when the pipe broke and I was in a bit more pain during that time so maybe it is working.   I’d like to know how the eagles stay calm.  They have a rough life but they always look so proud, so happy to be alive and knowing what they have to do to survive does not include even a nanosecond of self-reflection or pity.    They would die if they stopped for a moment, and they know that innately.   Wish I could say I know it.

Last night was a bit better after a difficult day.  As I closed my eyes in bed, I gave thanks for it.  I said “thank you for the better evening” and as I did, I instantaneously heard (in my head, of course) “thank you for accepting it” and I kind of got that familiar jolt of understanding that my relationship with those who have passed is symbiotic in nature.  I just have to listen to the quiet and they are there for me.  My loved ones, G-d and my guides.  All of them.  All the time.  And I was reminded that it isn’t enough that I have a “good” day or a good hour; if I don’t accept it, if I am only aware of the pain and the challenges, I will never have a good moment.   Paying attention is essential.

Monday, October 19, 2015


I vacillate a lot here so stay with me.  Dragging under the weight of myself I rear up again and again, not knowing why I struggle to stay afloat in a life I profess to hate.  Not because of what I don’t have; never because of what I don’t have.  Accepting what I do have is always the challenge, always the thing that haunts me night after night then day after day as I struggle to make sense of a question that no one on Earth can answer  Why?  Not “why me?” that sounds so selfish and silly.  Having all this time to do nothing but read the news and try to make sense of what we do on the planet, the mistakes we make over and over again in the name of …of what  There is a strong wind blowing and it’s moving closer and closer to extinguish the flame on the candle that is us.  The one that burned bright at one time.  Or did it ever?  History tells us it struggled to burn brightly from its inception and may only have done so to cast the darkest of shadows.  But staying focused on the light is the only way to win the struggle.  All struggles, regardless.

So I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on near death experiences, spirituality and such.  Saw some great ones with Ekhart Tolle, the guy who wrote The Power of Now.  And I’m trying very hard to remember to just trust G-d.  When that thought hits me, the tension diminishes, just like when I remember that I am loved.   I still pray for death every night, sometimes all day.  I had a great hold on my emotions for several months but it all fell apart.   I try to imagine the pain as something other than pain; something neutral, something pleasant even.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Because I have to keep a hold on it every second of every day and it’s impossible to do so.  But all one can do is try.

So I’ll keep trying to keep my head above the raging waters of pain and keep reading inspirational stories and watching/listening  to spiritually based YouTube videos.  They sooth my soul.  Accepting the way things are is challenging, to say the least.  One of my favorite quotes, which I have on my blog (but haven’t thought about lately) is this:

“The desire for freedom, as it motivates us to our natural state is great joy; the desire to be free from things the way they are, great suffering”  Stephen Levine

Thursday, October 15, 2015


My eyesight still hasn’t improved.  Sigh.  It would be nice to get to the other side of one of my challenges.  My tumors in the leg where I had surgery grew back.  And there has been a general increase in their numbers.  See, this is why I get so frustrated and freak out from time to time.  Everyone has challenges.  I don’t think I’m alone in mine for one second.  It’s not being able to get past mine that frustrated me.  Sometimes I can accept it, sometimes I can’t.  And when I can’t, when I start thinking about people who have, and get past their challenges, that’s when things start to de-escalate for me.   Staying in the now becomes a major challenge.  But I work on it.  Every second of every day.  Sometimes I can (do it) and sometimes I can’t.   That’s life.

Good news! (for me).  The eagles are back!  After all the setbacks this year (the nest fell in a storm, the director of Raptor Resources Project passed away), the good folks of Decorah, IA made a starter nest and Mom and Dad took to it!  Cameras are back up and I just checked in on them.  So good to see them working on making the new nest home.  If all goes well, in six to eight weeks we should see (three, hopefully ) eggs!  Three is high for eagles, but that’s when these two have been producing and there have been 23 so far (two the first year). 

So between the eagles on the webcam and the hummingbirds, squirrels, Stellar Jays and some tiny birds I can’t identify all on my deck, I’m entertained.  Now I just need my eyes to come back so I can return to reading.  I started listening to digital books but it’s not the same (for me).  I love to read.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Eben Alexander

I was telling someone about my thoughts on Eben Alexander and how they have shifted.  Strangely, Dr. Alexander responded to an email I had written a few weeks ago.  And it was personal, not one of those automated responses.  In writing to my friend about him, she sent me this article which I found amazing.

I was right the first time (about him) and should not have doubted.  In doing so, I've had one of the most horrific weeks I've had in a very long time.  Dig deep, before making decisions.  To decide is to cut off other possibilities.

Sorry, I can't get the link to work.  Cut and paste....worth it

Long, but good article.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Eye Yai Yai!

I was supposed to have a cataract removed Monday morning.  I got there, and was told they were running an hour behind schedule.  Not much I could do about that.  I found four chairs lined up together and was able to lie down.  Thirty minutes later, three staff people came out and explained to all of us waiting (no one had been called in at all during that time) that they were cancelling everyone due to an unexpected death of a staff member.  Very sad.

So I went back Tuesday and had it done.  I had to arrange different rides on Monday and Tuesday and again on Wednesday (my regular person was sick) for the follow-up. At present, my eyesight is blurred and I am actually seeing worse than before.  But they checked out my eyes on the follow-up and said it was fine, the healing is different for everyone.  I have to wear a Captain Sparrow patch (actually, it’s plastic) at night, and put in three different eye drops four times a day for four weeks.  That’s fun.  Just add it to all my other garbage I must take.

I think about all the people in the world who are so dependent on mediation to get through the day.  It completely freaks me out when I realize how little it would take to lose access to all of them and what I would do should that happen.  I started to watch   film based on a real life story about difficult it is to get medical supply companies to listen to new ideas….this one being retractable needles to end the hundreds of thousand accidental needle pricks to medical staff.  It’s called “Puncture”.  I couldn’t finish it.  That kind of stuff angers me and anger isn’t good for pain.

I’m so bored I could scream.  I go out for three days in a row and it’s hard on my body but then I want to go out again because I realize just how bad my cabin fever is.  I don’t notice it when I go for a week without leaving the house, but as soon as I do I realize just how cramped in I am.  Currently, my entertainment is feeding the squirrels and the blue jays.  Pathetic.  I even have this Halloween skeleton rigged up to scare away the blue jays when they get to aggressive and scare away the squirrels.  Anything to keep me occupied!
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