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Monday, October 19, 2015


I vacillate a lot here so stay with me.  Dragging under the weight of myself I rear up again and again, not knowing why I struggle to stay afloat in a life I profess to hate.  Not because of what I don’t have; never because of what I don’t have.  Accepting what I do have is always the challenge, always the thing that haunts me night after night then day after day as I struggle to make sense of a question that no one on Earth can answer  Why?  Not “why me?” that sounds so selfish and silly.  Having all this time to do nothing but read the news and try to make sense of what we do on the planet, the mistakes we make over and over again in the name of …of what  There is a strong wind blowing and it’s moving closer and closer to extinguish the flame on the candle that is us.  The one that burned bright at one time.  Or did it ever?  History tells us it struggled to burn brightly from its inception and may only have done so to cast the darkest of shadows.  But staying focused on the light is the only way to win the struggle.  All struggles, regardless.

So I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on near death experiences, spirituality and such.  Saw some great ones with Ekhart Tolle, the guy who wrote The Power of Now.  And I’m trying very hard to remember to just trust G-d.  When that thought hits me, the tension diminishes, just like when I remember that I am loved.   I still pray for death every night, sometimes all day.  I had a great hold on my emotions for several months but it all fell apart.   I try to imagine the pain as something other than pain; something neutral, something pleasant even.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Because I have to keep a hold on it every second of every day and it’s impossible to do so.  But all one can do is try.

So I’ll keep trying to keep my head above the raging waters of pain and keep reading inspirational stories and watching/listening  to spiritually based YouTube videos.  They sooth my soul.  Accepting the way things are is challenging, to say the least.  One of my favorite quotes, which I have on my blog (but haven’t thought about lately) is this:

“The desire for freedom, as it motivates us to our natural state is great joy; the desire to be free from things the way they are, great suffering”  Stephen Levine

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