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Friday, April 20, 2012

One More Child

Not one of my more uplifting pieces, so skip it if you want to read a positive post
The days are long, the nights longer, when one is in pain 24/7.  When, after years of opioid medication, nothing seems to reach out and touch the pain but rather, it only makes all of my systems worse and no longer operational.  It is official: I now have a neurogenic bladder and bowel.  The fun never stops!  I try and breathe, rich in the knowledge that if done correctly, it does help a little bit.  But with my heart rate and blood pressure high after decades of being low (well, my heart rate has always been high, but my BP always low), I feel feverish all the time now too.  And I actually have a low grade fever all the time.
And try as I might, keeping my mouth shut when talking to my dad, my friends, etc., is difficult.  I know it’s the isolation that prompts me to complain all the time.  I wish I were stronger in that regard.  I wish I could just keep taking the hits, but after years and years of this, I’m at my wits end, as they say.  And my dreams have been awful.  People in my life who have died seem to be ‘visiting me’ in my dreams.  Maybe they are preparing me.  That would be nice.
I of course have moments when the old me pops out, but not very often anymore.  I spoke with a friend I haven’t talked to in a few weeks and blurted out all the awful things that have been happening, being defensive about something she said (that didn’t call for me being defensive) and then feeling like crap afterwards.  Happens a lot with her.  And she has a bundle of troubles herself.  It seems like my friends keep their health challenges to themselves;  perhaps they are stronger then me, perhaps they think their problems pale in comparison (NOT true) or perhaps they just have full lives otherwise, and therefore don’t dwell on the ugly side of life.  I wish I could be like that!
I’m just having a very, very hard time seeing anything good right now  I pray.  I meditate. I read til’ my eyes blur, I watch movies.  I applied for more help and will get food stamps soon.  But the extra help I think I might need in the future, I can’t apply for quite yet.  I have ‘too much’  money.  $1,300 that took TEN YEARS for me to squirrel away; now I have to earmark it for my funeral expenses and can’t touch it if I want in home care.  But I don’t think I need that right now.  It could come at any moment and I want to be prepared.
I’m exhausted from all that it took for me to get the paperwork together, drive all around creation getting the receipts I needed from the bank, my utilities, the pharmacy, my providers….it was a nightmare physically.  THAT’S the kind of help I needed but couldn’t get…help getting the help.  And yes, I know that compared to the rest of the world, I’m doing fine.  Compared to the rest of the world, I have what I need; a roof (for now) food, medicine.  I am grateful for that, I really am.  But I’m tired of being tired, tired of being in pain and tired of fighting.  If that’s a sin, I guess I’ll burn in hell.  Luckily, I don’t believe in that concept.

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