Heartbeats

I saw my dad and my sister Sunday morning, my brother and his wife Sunday evening.  It was lovely.  Now I am in agony.  My legs, my feet feel like they are buried under concrete.  I know it’s hard to grasp, but my feet are both numb and killing me.  Nerve pain is the worst.  It’s felt everywhere and it’s getting worse all the time.  I just want to take my bat and balls and go HOME.  Oh well.

I haven’t heard from Pam since last Tuesday and I’m worried.  I left one message on Friday but I don’t want to keep calling.  I knew this was going to be a lot tougher than she imagined it would be, but I sure hope this is just normal recovery stuff and not anything else.  I will assume I would have heard from someone otherwise, but that’s not always true.  If I hadn’t called Ted’s cell phone the day I did, there would have been no one to tell me because no one thought of calling.  Scary.

Which brings up my eternal question:  Why NOT me?  People get awful diseases and die from accidents, etc., all the time.  I go on and on and on like the Energizer Bunny (is that still around?) when all I want is for it to be over.  Boy, I’m in a mood.  Just a mood, it will pass.

Marti, the person standing in for Pam isn’t nearly as motivated as Pam, doesn’t clean as well and has to be told every step of the way what to do.  I get that it takes a while to adjust, but she’s been with me at least six times now; I don’t need that much, but what I do need has to be done.  And I have to tell her each time the same things over and over, getting up to show her.  It isn’t that helpful so far.  I may call for someone else if it’s not better this week.  Still, I get that I’m lucky to have the help.  Just not when I’m in agony and haven’t the energy to go over everything again and again.

I am listening to my BioLateral music from David Grand while I write this.  http://www.biolateral.com/page/bio.htm  it’s interesting; my therapist gave me a CD and the music (and sounds) move from left to right…it’s a variation on this eye movement therapy that is supposed to help with trauma.  It really does calm me down, whether I listen while writing or reading, or just listening with my eyes closed.   Anyway, it’s worth checking out for anyone suffering from a trauma related issue like PTS or chronic uncontrollable pain….he’s worked with people who have come back from the war with those issues and has had success.

I wake up so stressed each morning and then run around doing stuff I just need to get done; taking care of Oliver being the most important.  I dread the day he is no longer with me, assuming he moves on before me.  I don’t think I will be able to get another cat when that happens.  And I can’t bear the thought of living without knowing there’s another heartbeat in the house.