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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Coming Back

The pain and numbness have been relentless.  I just saw my acupuncturist.  I sometimes want to cancel because the drive over feels overwhelming.  But in the end, it always helps so I push myself. I have no clue how my 89 year old dad does it with his pain issues due to spinal stenosis.  Again, I marvel at how some undetected health problem or an accident can take life away in an instant but I keep on going.  And my questions never get answered.  People tell me not to ask anything when I’m in agony or depressed because you don’t get answers anyway and it just makes the pain worse.  Great advice, but who wants to know those answers when things are rosy?  Of course, rosy for me is a “5” on the pain scale.

And I ignore other health issues because what’s the point?  My hips hurt, my remaining breast hurts (had a mammogram about six months ago), I seem to be losing more weight….no appetite whatsoever but I do eat; not much, but I eat.  I’m sure the laxatives have everything to do with those issues, but I can’t not take them or I’d be in the hospital once a week and that treatment isn’t pretty.  If it weren’t so pathetic it would be laughable.  Sometimes, in the right mood, it is laughable.

I know too, that very few people residing on this planet have it “easy”.  Everyone has issues.  Even the no problem problem is an issue.  I don’t want it easy.  You learn nothing from easy.  I just want it tolerable.  Apparently, that’s too much to ask for too.  Wanting what we want when we want it is such an American/European thing.  All the things we feel we can’t live without; it all gets us in the end.  We don’t get it, it gets us   My question has always been about feeling that wanting good health isn’t the same thing as wanting a car.  But maybe it is. 

Okay, honestly?  There is one thing I want.  I want a virtual reality device, if they exist, because there are places I will never go that I would love to visit….not just the pictures, the feeling of actually being there.  I am not jealous of everyone in my life who have had those experiences…I just want to go to places like the Gallipolis Islands, Paris at night, Italy during the day.  I want to see the Pyramids.  So I guess there are things I want.  I want food delivered to my home but can’t seem to find someone willing to do it, besides the weight loss places.  Boy, someone is missing out on a great business opportunity.  Shut ins who need nourishing food.  I’m aware of Meals on Wheels but I have very specific needs….just a meal a day is all I need.  I can make the rest.  That’s my bucket list.

And in other news,    Pam called Wednesday.   She wants to return to work next Wednesday!!!  Fine with me, but I want to make sure she’s okay.  She was in the hospital for 10 days and has only been home for about four.   But she said they told her at her post op appointment she could return to work in 10 days.  Weird, because they said three to four weeks initially.  Now I must tell Marti.  The thing is, I don’t want to tell her anything until I’m sure.  Pam wanted me to tell you all 

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