Eventually

I wrote something yesterday but decided not to post it.  I was having a horrible time pain wise; nothing helped, none of my meds, none of my “tricks”, not the meditating, drumming, BioLateral music….nuttin, honey.  So I’m trying to remember that I have good days too and in fact write about them to remind myself when days like yesterday hit, and they hit with alarming regularity, that I just have to hold on and pray the good day will pop up again…eventually. 

But the one I decided not to post could have rivaled Victor Hugo’s “Les Miserable”. Not as well written of course, and without the music which I’m pretty certain wasn’t in his original manuscript.  I never understood who would think, “Hey, let’s make a musical about misery” I would have loved to hear the original pitch for that.  But I digress. 

So it’s another day in painsville; not sure if I should go out or not.  Pam is here, and I’m grateful for that.  I just don’t know if I should go with her to the store.  On one hand, I need to get out.  On the other, I don’t want to encourage the pain to come back to the level it was yesterday.  And I got an email from one of my nieces yesterday.  All three are coming by tomorrow with my dad.  Four people is a lot for my small place, especially because  I need the couch to myself. But it will be fine.  And I love spending time with them, of course.

Okay, so I went to the store, made it back alive though in more pain but it will settle.  I skipped the library but sent Pam to drop off one book and pick up another.  I put them on hold from home (what a convenience that is!), don’t hear for months sometimes and then bam!  Literally, every other day I get an email telling me a book is ready for pick up.  And they only hold them seven days.  And my reading has slowed a lot.  I’m even getting print when it’s available.  Not all books are.

The tumors in my legs have been hurting like crazy.  I watch them pulse sometimes and am convinced I’m witnessing growth.  I want to have an MRI but don’t have the energy to do what I need to do….I would probably have to see the neurologist first but maybe not.  Nowadays, however, I need to be sedated for it because the pain of lying there on that hard surface without being able to move is torture.  So I figure all that is stalking me is eventually going to get me anyway, who cares if they are growing or if they have become malignant?   Those are the kind of moods I can live without.  My mind making things up as if reality isn’t challenging enough!   Will I ever learn?  Probably not.