A Conundrum

A gripping fear of how much worse this will get sometimes takes hold and won’t let go.   And then I think of Stephen Hawkings, whose disbelief in G-d just might be what has allowed him to go as far as he has gone in life, in spite of having ALS for fifty years.  Amazing in itself given the normal life expectancy of someone diagnosed with that disorder, which is 5 to 10.   People who believe get mixed results, same as those who don’t.  But then, those that don’t believe don’t ask G-d for anything.  The only thing that gets some through life is “G-d’s Will” thoughts.  If you don’t get what you think you want, it’s “G-d’s Will” If you do, you praise Him.

Stephen Hawkings contribution to physics, astrophysics and the Universe is immeasurable.  And his findings neither prove nor disprove the existence of a higher being creating the Universe and all that resides within.

Makes you wonder.

I mean, I can’t even count the number of arguments I have had with the Big Guy (I vacillate, but pretty much am a believer), the number of unanswered prayers, the number of answered prayers and the battles we’ve had around my pain.  The “why, why, why” war cry that has no satisfying answers but for some unknown reason, I am compelled to ask anyway.  I try focusing in on what I can control, on staying in the moment, on giving thanks for the roof over my head, the food in my belly and my access to medications, even if they don’t work half the time.

Still, since we euthanize an animal so it won’t suffer I struggle with why the same opportunity isn’t afforded me and people like me.  I know that sometimes my emotions are moment to moment; an awful panic attack in the morning, searing pain in the afternoon and a settling down of all my challenges after dinner.  If I ended it while in a bad mood I think it would be bad because those moments pass and if you chose such an action during a bad moment you might find yourself asking “Oops, what happened?  What did I do?”   I wrote that somewhere else once.

So I think it would be best if you end it, to do it when you are feeling good.  A conundrum for sure.  But it seems to me there is a way to find inner peace and still be ready to move on….I hope I can get to that place because when the pain is intolerable, I don’t want to be making that mistake.  Can I exit when the pain is intolerable?   Can I get to a place of peace while in pain?   Can I let go of everything, worry about nothing, and make my peace with my life?  Would exiting mean I’m not at peace?   I mean, does being at peace mean you can tolerate anything so bring it on?

I’ve got to stop thinking.  Now.