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Thursday, July 11, 2013

And the Point Is?

Well, that was one of my toughest nights in a long while.  I fell asleep in front of the computer just before 10 pm and didn’t wake up until 12:30….in agony from the position I was in.  And I could not fall back asleep.  My legs were doing the same thing they did when I was going through withdrawal.   I took a couple Ibuprofin which actually helped a bit. 

I am once again struggling with “what’s the point?” asking questions to who knows who (okay, G-d) that have no answers.  Nothing like adding emotional torment into the mix!   You know the drill….if there is nothing but a black hole at the end of this journey there will be no one to yell at for putting me through this.

But the real question, the one I’ve never broached here is this:  If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was nothingness after death, OR, that it didn’t matter if I offed myself and perhaps that’s what I should be doing…perhaps that’s the test….not that I see it through but that I have the power to stop the pain and I should be using it.   People love to lecture about the sin of suicide but we are mere mortals and we know nothing.

There are four kinds of knowledge:

What we know we know (I know I know my name)
What we know we don’t know (I know I don’t know a lot about physics)
What we don’t know we know (falls into the “forgot” category)
What we don’t know we don’t know (by definition, I can’t give an example)

So what category does suicide fall under?  A lot of people think they “know” the answer to that one but really, it’s about belief and faith, not knowledge.   I say that one falls under the second or fourth category.

I am not about to kill myself; in my heart of hearts, I think it would be a mistake.  As I have written, I really think how I handle this will determine whether my soul gets to move forward.   I just know I feel like Frieda Kahlo when she wrote at the end of her life “I hope my departure is joyous and I wish never to return”

Time to start counting up the things I’m grateful for!  That helps.  Also, I had an epiphany a few days ago while standing on my deck in the sunshine.  I was having another bad day (the day after my one really good one….which comes every eight or ten days) and I thought about how I spent that good day thanking G-d over and over again….all day long.  I even sang one of my favorite ‘grateful” songs by Karen Drucker called “Thank you for this day Spirit”.  It got me through my mastectomy in 2005.  Wish I could post it here but she doesn't allow that song to be used.

Anyway, I started thinking I should be thanking G-d for the tough days too….because those are the days I have a chance to grow spiritually depending on how I handle it.  So at the top of my lungs I sang that song.  Pam was with me.  I asked her if I sounded awful and she said it really sounded great.  I’m not a singer by any stretch, but I can sing most of that song.  The middle part I can’t but the main chords are easy.   So, I guess gratefulness is about being thankful for everything; the good, the bad and the ugly.   Man I hate labels!!

I haven't added music lately; never get feedback one way or another about my choices....anyway, I tried making my own YouTube so I could use "Thank you for this Day Spirit" by Karen Drucker.   I own the CD that has that cut, but it's not on YouTube; it's "private"  I don't get it.  That song would sell like hotcakes if people kept hearing it.  Of course, it's not a new song.   Anyway, I made the video part, no problem.  A small learning curve.  But to add my music?  I don't that either.  I spent hours on it.  Now, it's time to use something else.   But if you can find that piece somewhere, listen to it.

So, here's another favorite, by Leonard Cohen

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