I Wonder

“May you live in interesting times” is often considered a Chinese curse.  My sister’s first husband’s father gave that as a toast during their wedding dinner.  I leaned over to a friend and whispered “He just cursed them and he doesn’t know it”   Her husband died about eight years later, leaving her and their two young girls.  I don’t think there was a connection, of course.  Too much backstory that is not mine to tell.

The reason it’s considered a curse is because if the times are too interesting, it causes distractions that make it difficult for one to grow spiritually and work on your own soul.  I have few distractions save the agonizing pain and accompanying problems of NF.  However, if I don’t think of those things as distractions they become anchors to my spiritual growth.  The real distractions’ are my interest in science.  I read a lot about Stephen Hawkings; primarily because he’s lived over 50 years with ALS…the average life expectancy with that disease is 5-10 years.  Now that’s interesting.  What’s also interesting is his adamant denial of G-d, even calling it a “fairy story” along with Heaven.  Of course, scientists say that according to the "laws" of physics, it's impossible for bumblebees to fly.  And yet.

What scares me is when we reach true singularity; when everything becomes one and it’s all clear, when time merges and when we are able to upload our consciousness into a computer, thereby creating immorality for ourselves sans a body…will that prove there is no G-d?  I wonder.  I wonder a lot.  Does this mean I am growing spiritually?   I have had so many life experiences that convince me beyond a shadow of a doubt that G-d created all this. 

Stephen Hawkings says the Big Bang happened on its own.  The fact that he continues to live, lecture and learn is astounding to me.  Of course, he has the means financially to make sure he survives as comfortably as he can…he even communicates with a computer that gives him an actual voice so he can answer questions.  I tend to see his life as a miracle (while seeing my own as a nightmare) and his disbelief challenging to me.  Challenging because it is easy for me to vacillate between belief and nonbelief, depending on the day.

I have, however, experienced the presence of G-d twice in my life; once when I witnessed the birth of my nephew (thanks to the generosity of my brother and sister in law) and once at the death of my mother, whose soul passed through me on her last breath (my head was on her chest and the family was gathered around her, all holding hands).  Both times, there was a low buzzing in the room that lasted about 30 seconds and then dissipated.  I don’t know what else it was, but it did have its own magnetic energy.

I feel that energy sometimes when I journey by listening to my drumming.  Sometimes I ask a question, sometimes I just ask for help.  And sometimes it comes fairly fast, sometimes it comes much slower.  And the answers are not always what I want to hear, to know.   I just can’t give up.  I write a lot about giving up, but in my heart of hearts, I don’t think I can.  And if there is nothing after life….well, who can I be mad at?

Here’s the thing.  There is no one on the planet without challenges.  It’s a matter of degree, of course.  And, this cursing of my body is kind of pathetic.  Understandable, but pathetic.  When you think about it, whether someone wins the genetic lottery or gets a lemon, it’s all life.  Everything on the planet is carbon based life.  So we are all the same.  We just look different.  And as I always say, pain is something the body just does when it is in trouble; suffering is a choice.  I choose suffering way too often.

The negative effects of the Lyrica have worn off and my increased happy pill dosage has kicked in.  Can you tell?