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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Dealing

Well, the heat has abated a bit.  It’s funny because usually it doesn’t start to really warm up here until literally, the 5th of July.   Back when I was able to go out and enjoy the 4th, it was a big joke.  Now I don’t care so much what it does outside, As long as it’s not too hot.  No AC.  I’m still very anxious.  I wake up that way. I doubled down on my antidepressant so I hope that helps eventually.  The pain is a bit better today, thankfully.  I’m dealing the best I can…getting through the tough, tough days one second at a time.

Pam’s surgery has been postponed for a couple of weeks.  Too congested or something.  And now they need to take her gallbladder too.   She’s understandably scared and worried.  All prepared for surgery this Friday and now this.  However, I told her I just can’t talk about it anymore.  It is stressing me out because I’m so damn empathetic.  It’s not always a blessing to be that way.  Sometimes it’s a bit of a curse.  I have so much on my own plate and then I reach over and take things off of other people’s plates.  And I know why I do it; I just can’t stop.

I do it because I am so unable to physically help someone in need, I have to do it emotionally.  Like when my dad was moving here.  My brother and sister both worked like mad to get him settled and I couldn’t lift a finger.  So I stressed out about it because they were stressed due to everything else in their lives.  We are all joyous beyond words that he is here.  Still, even though we are in the same city, I don’t see him too much due to the distance and the problem with rides.  He was going to visit yesterday but he cancelled because he wasn’t feeling well.  I wasn’t feeling well either so it was just as well.

Perhaps all this reaching over and taking things off of other people’s plates has to do with being hungry.  I don’t actually even feel hunger anymore.  I can barely process food.  It goes in cycles and I can’t freak when I am really in a “not hungry” state of mind. It comes with pain. When I’m not in so much pain, I am hungrier.  So I play catch up when that happens.  But it doesn’t happen often.  And then I freak about my weight and it gets worse.

I can’t seem to stop my brain from doing things that make this miserable situation worse.  The one thing that helps a little is praying and meditation.  Having long talks with G-d about it, asking for help, etc.

It hurts too much to sit
It hurts too much to stand
It even hurts too much to lie
Flat down on the divan

It hurts too much think
It hurts to wonder why
It even hurts too much to pray
No answers make me cry

I can see the tumors pulsing
In my legs and on my arms
I swear I feel them growing
All the pain meds have no charm

I don’t pretend I understand why I keep fighting so;
But being in this unending pain makes me feel a bit like Job
Perhaps the fight is not what’s right perhaps I should let go
I don’t know how, I wish I did before I get too old



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