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Friday, July 19, 2013

Just Truth

Pam is in surgery as I write this and I’ve been praying the morning away.  Marti was here yesterday, and she’ll work out fine but she’s much different than Pam, that’s for sure.  It’s been a bit challenging physically because I have to show her everything until she’s familiar with where things go, how I like things done (I’m not fussy at all, but I still have to show her the ropes) and so on.  Once she knows, it will be better.  Meanwhile, it really is okay; I enjoy her and as it was with Pam, it will get better as we get to know how we work together.

I’m hoping Pam will be able to come back but nothing in life is for certain or forever so I’ll have to deal with it if that happens.  It’s been hard letting go of that part of it.  Control.  I want to jump in and teach Pam how to navigate the medical system (she hasn’t had to) but it’s none of my business.  Really hard. 

The pain is bad today and Marti comes in the afternoon.  That’s new too…always had morning people.  I will need to go to the store and if it was Pam, I could just send her, but she doesn’t know what I like or need.  I hope I can get to two stores.  If not, it will have to wait and it will be a while because she doesn’t come Monday and Tuesday I see the eye doc.  Yikes.  Perhaps I’ll be able to go alone one day.  I am so grateful I have this; I don’t know what I would do otherwise.

I haven’t been sleeping well and I think it’s because I had doubled my Celexa (sp) to help with the negative effects of the Lyrica.  But I’m feeling much better emotionally so I am going to go back to the original dose.  I started doing that yesterday morning and I slept much better last night.

I have chemicals coursing through my veins, and very little blood.  An addicted vampire would love it.  Wouldn’t get much blood but a mouthful of narcotics.  Oh joy.

I cancelled the MRI of my head.  I know they’ve grown, but they can’t do anything anyway….I asked my pain doc and he said my neurologist scheduled it.  And I said, well, if they’ve grown, will they be able to operate?  He shook his head.  So what’s the point?   Not a “poor me” thing, really.   Just being practical.

The tumors are sprouting up like weeds all over my face, arms, legs…’s really awful.   A friend was here the other day when my dad came over with my nephew and she snapped a pic of me with my dad and Ben, my nephew.  I look HORRIBLE.   No wonder I never look in the mirror.  My friend told me to start wearing some lipstick.   It makes me look worse.  Reminds me of when I did that for my mom when she was ill.  Everyone tells you how “good” you look but you know they are just trying to be kind.  I’d love to hear the comments made when I’m not in the room.  I mean, I made them too once upon a time.  Not mean things; just truth. 

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