Letting It In

Pam called a few hours after her surgery and sounded well, but she was still pretty sedated.  I suspect the weekend was a bit challenging and I’m hoping she is doing okay.  I left a message at her house so maybe her son will call and fill me in.  Her replacement is a bit daunting.  Showing her the ropes and where everything is has its moments; she isn’t very motivated and I think she has some social dysfunction.  I’m not being mean, just an observation based on some things she has done and some things she has not done.  Oh well.  It was hard with Pam in the beginning.  I just keep my eye on the end of August and hope that she’ll be back by then.

I spend time on Huffington Post and occasionally make comments on the stories I read.  Once in a while, I mention my NF and people are usually very kind in their responses.  Usually.  The other day this guy  wrote back (in the comment section) that I was “sitting around feeling sorry for myself” and that he “had a brain tumor” and was always happy go lucky or something like that.  Don’t know if his brain tumor is real of course.  But as always, I started wondering if what he accused me of was true.  I mean, I have my moments, but I know I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself.  I get angry at my condition, but do I make a difference to anyone? 

A few hours later II get an email from this woman who stumbled upon my blog who also has NF.  She thanked me for what I write and shared her story with me.  I had to smile, as I wrote her back, because this is about the third time that has happened to me; I’ll be questioning my worth and feeling like a big fat failure in life and bam!  I get an email like the one this woman wrote.

It’s funny how we open wide the door to negativity but slam it shut and cover out ears to the positive thoughts/comments that come our way.   I don’t know where that comes from…perhaps being taught at an early age that thinking well of ourselves is not acceptable behavior.  I think that’s changed a great deal, at least I hope it has.  Teaching our children that it’s okay to feel good about ourselves is healthy, not a sign of being self-centered or self-serving.   That happens, sure, but teaching balance is a good thing and will make us better people, not people who shrink at the first sign of someone trying to bully us or knock us down to feel better about themselves.  Of course, there are bullies who do massive damage to our souls no matter what we are taught.  This guy sounded like one of them.  And I let him in.  

Personally, I need to learn to laugh it off.  I used to be able to do that if someone said something outrageously erroneous about me.  Now, not so much.  I think my NF and the pain that zaps me of all energy; all ability to stand up for myself is part of it.   I just wimp out.  Not always.  When the pain is manageable, my old steel comes out and I just fight back; but when I’m in pain?  Fogedabodit.

My dad is someone who fights all the time; he’s in a boatload of pain too with his spinal stenosis.  But he gives me strength to keep fighting.  And he’s 89!