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Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Yesterday I had a miserable day pain wise and when that happens, I sometimes go into overdrive thinking about things.  I know it’s useless to ask “why” all the time even if it isn’t a “poor me” question but rather, a spiritual one.  As in “what am I supposed to be learning from this?”  Either way, answers don’t come so why keep asking?  It’s like self-flagellation of some kind.

So I was telling my therapist about how I sometimes fantasize about getting healed.  How I sometimes imagine I could heal myself if I just concentrated hard enough, tried hard enough, meant it enough.  I don’t think that I am not good enough if it doesn’t happen because I don’t really expect it to; it’s just a fantasy. 

But I did start to think about what it would mean if I were to succeed in ridding myself of my NF.  And I must admit, as much as I don’t want to live like this anymore, being healed is also a scary thought.  Because if I wasn’t in this kind of retched pain, if I didn’t have tumors growing everywhere, if I didn’t have the digestive issues, if I wasn’t on all these freaking drugs…what would I be doing with my life?  I’d have to give up the little I get from disability, I wouldn’t need the help I get, and like everyone else who is healthy, I would have to face the world in a different kind of way…a way that is just as scary as what I face now; just different.

So while I get upset on days that the pain is through the roof, or when I can’t get out to see people or even do my own shopping and other errands, I remind myself that everyone has challenges.   We tend to compare our challenges to other people’s and it’s not really fair, even if you consider yourself the lucky one.  It’s not fair (to compare) because we don’t know why we were put here, let alone why someone else was put here.  Granted, there are a lot of people roaming the planet who think they know all the answers.  And that may be their journey; discovering that they don’t know all the answers after all.

That Chinese proverb which is really a curse (I mentioned it before) “May you have an interesting life” is good to keep in mind.  And right now, there are way too many distractions (“interesting”), the majority of which are negative and scary.  Fear keeps us from moving forward just as much as too much of a good thing does.  And right now I am very afraid for the planet and everything on it, including us.

And back to the mundane:  I just got back from the eye doctor.  The fifth appointment due to screw ups.  Now he says I have “severe” dry eye and need prescription strength drop for it.  I have to use it four times a day and go back to see him AGAIN.   He told me once he had a patient who came back 37 times in one year. Not sure how that made me feel.  Oh well.  The fun just never stops!!

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