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Monday, January 21, 2013

The Light in the Darkness

I keep writing something to post and tossing it out.  My helper was out sick again today and I took a shower and changed my patch anyway.  I just said a little prayer first and was very conscious and careful.  I always am, but I put more “umph” into it this time.  And then there was that damn mirror with me in it.  Oh well.

While I was doing my drumming this morning, I asked for help to be more useful, more positive and more accepting of my condition.  It ain’t easy.  My brother and his wife stopped by again last night and my sister has been calling regularly now.  I’m thinking they talked about it together and decided they needed to be more available.  Maybe.  Or maybe they just realized it at the same time.  A “100th monkey” kind of thing.  That’s not a cut.  The story goes, that if enough monkeys start doing something, like peeling a banana, monkeys all over the world will develop the dexterity to do the same thing.  They needn’t be in the same location.  So that’s where it comes from.  At any rate, it does help when they call and come by.  It helps a lot.  I didn’t know how much so until they started doing it.  I mean, they always checked in….just not very often.  But “often” is a different experience for different people.  Being alone day in and day out, with the exception of the help I get and the people who drop by, makes a day feel like a week.  The number of times we talked when I wasn’t in this kind of shape was much more acceptable to me.  So, thank you G-d, for my family.

And thank you for the roof over my head; for the meal that is cooking which I shall consume, for my friends, my family and yes, thank you for the pain and the challenges.  They are mine, and mine alone.  It’s a gift when I’m thinking straight, a torment when the pain is so bad I can’t think straight.  It is a blessing and a curse.  You can’t see the light unless there is darkness all around you.  And sometimes, you can’t see the light because of the darkness all around you.

We need to see with better eyes, hear with better ears and love with better hearts.  True joy comes from great suffering, and unless you are suffering, you don’t see it.  But joy, like light, must be surrounded by suffering in order to be appreciated.    I’m waiting for the cloud to burst and run out of rain. 

Wish me luck.  I live in Seattle.

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