A few days ago I had some minor withdrawal type symptoms but
it was late in the evening and minor.
Today it slammed me into the wall again.
I was lying here watching something on Netflix and suddenly woke up and
it was over and I had barely started it.
My legs are twitching like mad, I’ve been freezing all day (yes, it’s
cold outside but the heat is on and I’m bundled up) and I feel like I did back
when I first was done taking the methadone. I keep
heaing my pain doc’s nurse tell me that opiates is the only thing that will
help with this so I took one of my breakthrough meds, which I try to avoid
taking. And a Tylenol, which sometimes
helps.
Of course, the other day she yelled at me for not taking my
breakthrough med because the idea is to make me functional. I try to avoid taking it all the time because
of the intestinal problems. I went to
the store yesterday. Two stores. That’s about as functional as I’m going to
get. And being out and about triggers it
or something. It’s awful at the
moment. A friend just called and offered
to stop by but I told her to call back when she’s done doing her shopping. I don’t think I’m up for company. I HATE THIS.
Three months and two weeks and it’s not over. I keep hearing that it could take up to a
year, considering how long I was on it, but then I have a few weeks with no
symptoms and I’m lulled into thinking “I’m done” but I’m not.
I know it has been a necessary evil and I know it made me
functional for a long time, but this is withdrawal is hellacious…and I’m on
other opiates because the pain made life unlivable. When I let myself think about all my losses
and how unlivable my life is; how little I contribute vs. how much I need, it
makes me feel selfish for continuing to occupy a space on this planet. I don’t know how much longer I can hold
on. I know I say and write that all the
time; maybe it’s just a way for me to release the feelings (for now) but
eventually, I’ll have to make that choice if it’s not made for me.
Because this is not living.
Not by a longshot.
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