Thursday, January 3, 2013
A few days ago I had some minor withdrawal type symptoms but it was late in the evening and minor. Today it slammed me into the wall again. I was lying here watching something on Netflix and suddenly woke up and it was over and I had barely started it. My legs are twitching like mad, I’ve been freezing all day (yes, it’s cold outside but the heat is on and I’m bundled up) and I feel like I did back when I first was done taking the methadone. I keep heaing my pain doc’s nurse tell me that opiates is the only thing that will help with this so I took one of my breakthrough meds, which I try to avoid taking. And a Tylenol, which sometimes helps.
Of course, the other day she yelled at me for not taking my breakthrough med because the idea is to make me functional. I try to avoid taking it all the time because of the intestinal problems. I went to the store yesterday. Two stores. That’s about as functional as I’m going to get. And being out and about triggers it or something. It’s awful at the moment. A friend just called and offered to stop by but I told her to call back when she’s done doing her shopping. I don’t think I’m up for company. I HATE THIS. Three months and two weeks and it’s not over. I keep hearing that it could take up to a year, considering how long I was on it, but then I have a few weeks with no symptoms and I’m lulled into thinking “I’m done” but I’m not.
I know it has been a necessary evil and I know it made me functional for a long time, but this is withdrawal is hellacious…and I’m on other opiates because the pain made life unlivable. When I let myself think about all my losses and how unlivable my life is; how little I contribute vs. how much I need, it makes me feel selfish for continuing to occupy a space on this planet. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I know I say and write that all the time; maybe it’s just a way for me to release the feelings (for now) but eventually, I’ll have to make that choice if it’s not made for me.
Because this is not living. Not by a longshot.
Posted by Sherri at 5:39 PM