Pray for Faith

I wrote this in February 2009, exactly three years ago.  I never posted it for some reason.  But it seems I’ve been a bit dark lately so here’s a more upbeat post!

I try not to talk about my NF and the pain that it brings me too much because talking about being sick drives people away.  My dear friends and my family stay with me no matter what, but to the casual or new friend, I must be careful.  Because it does drive people away.  Sometimes at lightening speed.

I know it has nothing to do with me personally; it’s hard to hear someone talk about serious health issues, probably because it brings up mortality for people, a subject they just as soon stay away from, particularly as we age, and particularly in the health crazed world we occupy here in this country.  Who can blame them?

Still,  I was grateful that I am who I am, even with my challenges.  I would not trade a day of it, believe it or not.  Why, you might ask…all that pain, pain you can’t describe, and you wouldn’t trade it??.  Well, it’s simple really.  Because it’s mine, you see.  It’s me, it’s mine, and no one can take it away.  I’ve asked myself many times, what I would do if an angel came down and offered to take all my tumors, all my pain, all my illness….in exchange for my friends and family.  And of course, I would never in a million years do that.  But would I do it if the offer was to just take it away, with wanting nothing in return?  What would I do then?

Still, the answer would be no.  Because I think I am who I am because of these challenges, and in spite of being a whiner and complainer some of the time, in spite of being in pain most of the time, in spite of being unhappy half of the time, I’m who I am all of the time.  And I don’t want to be anyone else.

I’m truly happy for all the people in my life who, in spite of their own personal challenges are for the most part, healthy and happy.  I am truly grateful for their lives and grateful that they are in mine.  I am grateful that for the most part, I believe in G-d and have hope that in spite of the miserable mess we have made of this planet, there is hope.

Pray for Faith.