Over the Top

The conundrum of wanting to be done with this life and being scared of all the things that seem to be tormenting me is horrific.  On one hand, I am so ready to take my bats and balls and go HOME and on the other hand, and with chilling clarity, are my worsening symptoms that scare me and make me run to the doctor.  Why not just let it do what it’s going to do…why fight it if I want to go HOME.  I’m so over the top. 

My healer told me she thinks the dizziness I get when I turn my head a certain way is vascular.  She practices acupuncture and chiropractic and told me the test for vascular for chiropractic is the turning of the head in one direction and the other.   So she thinks it’s vascular.  On the other hand, the compression on my C spine could be the culprit.  I see the neurosurgeon soon, so we’ll see.  I go on the 8^th,.  They wanted me on the 1^st, but and 8:30 a.m. appointment would never work for me.  I’m I too much pain at that time of day and it’s a long drive to boot.

In the meantime, my stomach is awful and I’m afraid to eat anything, though I know I have to. Had my usual this morning, with the exception of the flaxseed meal.  I think I have too much bulk in me at the moment.  But NOTHING works (I haven’t tried blasting caps…that’s next on my list, lol)

And if that isn’t enough, I went back to the endodontic dentist today (went four weeks ago) because she wanted to see me in a month.  I was in so much pain the first time she couldn’t tell what the problem was.  So my choices are: doing another root canal (I’ve had EIGHT...bad teeth, too). To the tune of about $1,700 after all is said and done, or have the tooth yanked and call it a day.  That would be about $300.  I have a call into my dentist to see what that would mean in terms of my bite.  They may have to do a bridge and if that’s the case, I may as well do the root canal.

I hate this so much I want to scream!  And I’m so worried about things out of my control; the world, for instance.  The space between the haves and have nots is growing wider with each breath, and there is nothing I can do about it.  Here, at least.  Why I think I could make a difference on the other side, I do not know.  But I don’t seem to be making a difference on this side!’

And my dear friend, the one I wrote about in “The Scapegoat” has lost her job.  I’m so angry for her and I feel so helpless.  Wish I could make it all better.  For everyone.