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Friday, February 17, 2012

Philosophical Reconfigurations

Between the ugly bruise, the stomach, the dizziness, I decided to call my acupuncture/healer for help.  I was getting dizzy spells turning my head in one direction and also, my blood pressure has been up from what it normally is.  I’ll assume it’s stress from being constipated, but we’ll see.  It’s still within normal range but a lot higher than what it was, which was low.
She needled me and did her thing and opened up some chi energy and I started to sob like never before.  I mean, I’ve cried while getting treatment (few people get a ‘thank you” and a hug after they make you cry!) and I needed the release.  I hold so much back; the truth about my situation, the pain, etc. 
I love my family dearly and I know how busy they are; but still, I have a sister and brother  from who I could use a little assistance (not money) but the conundrum is if I spill, they get freaked and want to ‘fix it’ in ways that aren’t agreeable to me…moving me closer to them, which would accomplish less then nothing due to their schedules and actually make it worse for me in terms of my friends and my doctors.  But they don’t get it.  Just get new doctors would be the reply….and when you are chronically ill and HAVE  good doctors, you don’t just replace them.
And friends?  They are closer to me in miles than my family, but not by much.  It wouldn’t hurt for me to live a bit closer to the city, though that wouldn’t help family..  My lease is up in a few months; we’ll see.  I just don’t know if I can tell the truth the way my healer suggests.  It’s scary.  She suggests I should tell them I need some support, but I can take care of my own needs for the most part.  I hope they’d be open to that and not so black and white.
But we have the cost to think about and it won’t be cheap.  Which is why I want to exit on my own terms, under my own steam.  I just want to make sure the job gets done; ending up in a vegetative sate would not be good.  And Divanna told me about someone she knew who took 120 pills and lived to tell the tale.  They found her unconscious and she should not have recovered, but she did.  One wonders.
Is there a G-d and would he/she forgive this transgression?  I can’t imagine a loving G-d rejecting me; on the other hand, he gave me this predicament in the first place.  It’s so confusing for me…what to do….Read “Love, Suicide and Popcorn Pans” on the last page of my blog.  It about sums it up for me!
Really.  I don’t think I could ever take my life but I sure think about death a lot.  I keep trying to think about what my purpose is here, what I did to deserve this body from hell and how do I fix it?  Most people don’t make the time to think about their purpose in life because they are too busy LIVING their lives.  When you are chronically ill, you’ve got the time.  In spades.  Now logically, I know I did nothing to “deserve” this, but that doesn’t help.
Here’s what I don’t understand about Karma.  If you were rotten to the core in a previous life, why get punished in this one, where you are a good person?  I know the soul is different than the “I” or ego, and that’s what is in the process of learning, but it still makes no sense to me; if your soul is a good one in this life… see what I mean?  .I ask for forgiveness daily, but I guess I just have to live out my life first.  And then there’s the old “Catch-22” that I rail on about.
If I allow myself to live my whole life the way the Universe, or G-d, or whatever intended, and there is NOTHING afterward, who or what would I be mad at (myself, primarily) for allowing myself to live in pain for over 50, 60, 70 years when there is NOTHING after you die…no Karma, no afterlife, no next life.  Nada.  So if that’s the case, it makes sense to call it quits, right?  Wrong.  Because we don’t live for ourselves, we live for each other.  But what if, like me, you have no significant other?  I have family and friends, but just my family of origin…none that I created.
I’m feeling quite philosophical today, aren’t I?
In the meantime, I reconfigured my living room for the new couch and I love it except for some reason, my neck feels worse when I am on my computer or watching television.  It shouldn’t really be any different, and I don’t want to go back the old way; I wanted to spice things up since the only thing I see most of the time is the inside of my apartment.  It works fine for reading, which I do a  lot of, but right now I’m hinked out.  Maybe it’s my pillows….I use to use two…okay….trying two…..BETTER.  Don’t you love the minute by minute updates?     Being ill gives a whole new meaning to the term "couch potato"

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