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Monday, October 8, 2012

Pain Receptors Full

I didn't sleep much last night and am in agony this morning.  My pain receptors are full so nothing is really working very well and the withdrawal is still keeping me shivering in 70 degree weather; very unseasonable for Seattle but the rains come back this week.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  Lying flat my whole life seems like no life and I worry I am heading toward the abyss again.  It’s so damn inviting.  The one good thing about being off the methadone (well, more than one) is that I’m remembering my dreams, weird though they are.   I so want to be done with this life of pain.  I keep telling myself I’m here for a reason, even though I don’t know what that reason is, but when you live in this kind of pain 24/7 you start thinking it’s a mass delusion (having a “reason” to be here).  I know I’ve had a lot of unworldly experiences that sort of confirm there is much more to life than what is in front of us, but times like these, when my legs are on fire and the drugs do no good at all, I just kind of think, the hell with it, get me a gun.

But of course, in the end, I can’t do that.  Not yet anyway.  Not ready.  You’d think I would be, but I’m not.  What I want is a miracle.  I want to wake up and feel nothing but the average aches and pains of a 59 year old woman.  I want to feel the ground beneath my feet instead of it feeling like I’m walking on rocks, even with socks on.  I want to enjoy the sunshine, to work, to travel, etc.  I want normal, whatever that is.  I just know that what I have is NOT normal.  Normal for me, I guess.  Man this is confusing.  I write whatever pops in my head sometimes.

My pain nurse just phoned.   She’s going to talk to the doctor about switching me from diladid to morphine.  She said he “doesn’t like change” but if the diladid isn’t working….I mean, I can understand him not wanting to change for no reason other than to “try it” but that isn’t the case.  I do like both of them a lot so I don’t want to judge.  She’s also not sending me a script for more patches until she talks to him.  I only have two left, and one I use today….so that gives me six days to get it in my hands.  Given what happened last time, I hope she sends it today or tomorrow.  Yikes.

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