Dance Me

The song “Dance Me to the End of Love” by Leonard Cohen is going through my head, especially the line “Dance me through the panic ‘til I’m gathered safely in” I know the song is about the panic of love, but I am panicking about my MRI tomorrow. Trying hard to stay focused, to meditate, to let go….all my tricks aren’t working now, I can’t imagine what tomorrow will be like.

I have never panicked while having an MRI, but my symptoms are so much worse, the pain is so much worse that my fear is right up there in the “10” area.  I should be invoking the spirit of my deceased grandmother who taught me about death like no one else.  And I was only 11 at the time.  As for the living, I should be invoking the bravery of Aimee Copeland, that Georgia woman who defied the odds and not only lived through her ordeal (Google her if you don’t know about her already) but is getting out of the hospital months ahead of schedule.  She is one brave cookie, that woman.  Of course, she’s 30 years younger than me and has been dealing with this for two months.  I’ve been dealing with it my whole life.  Don’t compare, don’t compare, don’t compare.  It’s a killer, comparing!!

So….focus….breathe.  In, out, in out.  Think of good things.  Give thanks. Let spirit in through any and all openings.  Ask yourself, when you panic (I’m using the Royal “you”) “What am I afraid of?” and take whatever comes up.  I fear that the increased pain and tumor growth is a very bad sign.  I fear I will end up in a nursing home with no control over when I can take my pain meds.  Whatever the purpose of this life of mine, I fear I did not fulfill it.  The only thing I don’t fear is what most people fear the most: death.  I do not fear that at all.  The cause of death worries me.  The last few years have been slow and agonizing, but I’m grateful for certain things;

A roof over my head (thanks to my father)

Food in my belly

Access to medication

Friends

Family

Oliver

Good books

Good movies

My helpers on the other side

My helpers on this side: Amanda, Alexandra, Divanna

Strangers who smile at me

Strangers on the Internet who write incredible things to me

Love

Flowers

Sunny days (rare, in Seattle)

Think of things you are grateful for.  Then be grateful.  And less angry.  Anger makes pain worse, trust me.

G-d grant me the Serentity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference