Rising to the Top

With all that is happening in the world right now, I haven’t felt much like writing on my blog, though I’ve posted the address on Huffington Post a few times.  The pain has been through the roof again and reading about what happened in Colorado hasn’t helped.   There is much debate about guns, violent movies, etc., and the ‘constitutional right’ to own the kind of firearms this lunatic carried.  I doubt that our forefathers had envisioned this when they wrote the second amendment, and I doubt it would have happened at the opening of a Jane Austin movie.  But that’s just me.  Sigh.

I have an appointment to see a surgeon in a couple of weeks about several tumors I would like to see gone.  One on my arm, and one in each leg; they all have grown quite a bit and hurt like the dickens.  We shall see.

Lots of stuff has been rising up for me lately.  It is all connected to the help I’ve been getting.  Ana cleaned so well last time she was here I was actually crying.  I am a neat person, though not neurotic about neatness.  I just like things tidy.  But the deep cleaning I never do because it’s just too hard.  So the place needed a good scrub; she cleaned my ceiling fan, washed the bathroom floor, dusted, etc.  It was sparking when she left.  She also quit working for the provider who contracts with DSHS.  My regular person, Amanda, comes back on Monday and I am really looking forward to seeing her again.  And I’m hiring her to take me to a couple appointments over the next two weeks.  These are appointments that fall on a day she doesn’t come, so I’ll pay out of pocket.  But it’s the same as a taxi, and I’d rather have someone there with me.

I know I have written about isolation and how that feels…but I shut down in order to deal with it.  We all do that over issues that are difficult or impossible to change.  So until I started getting the help and having someone here when I need them, I just didn’t get how deeply it hurts to be alone all the time.  Day after day, hour after hour.  So it’s great having someone here a few hours a week for several reasons.  The help and the company.  I mean, friends do stop by and visit, but when you’re out and about in the world, being alone is welcomed….I always tell people who are busy and feel they have no time for themselves to switch it around….the time they spend working, cleaning, shopping, meal prep, being with family, etc., etc., is the time I spend alone.  And vice versa. It’s rather stunning.

My left leg hurts something awful, and I do believe it’s a very large tumor that’s doing it.  I’m kind of freaked out about it.  Don’t know if I want it out or not.  If it’s grown a lot (I’ve never actually had an MRI of that leg…or the other) then it needs to be looked at. Otherwise, leave them be.  Whatever it turns out to be, I will not be treating it.

The fruit paste remedy is still working.  I take a lot less of the Miralax.  I’m not completely cleaned out, but no one is.  I can live with it this way.  As long as I empty something every day, I feel better.