Oh, Man

Oh man.   I always want to write only positive things, but of course, that doesn’t quite work out that way.   I saw my neurologist last week and he added Cymbalta to the mix.  Hard to say at this point, but today, was either another “methadone detox” day (yes, I know it’s been eight months, but because I was on it so long at such high doses, this could last a year…at least it isn’t every day).

But when it hits, it hits hard.  Today, for eight hours I could not get comfortable.  Could not lay in any position, stand or sit.  My legs were jumping all over the place, my muscles were (and are) sore…And now my arms are almost as bad as my legs.  Lots of tumors, lots of pain...Pam came yesterday instead of today because I needed to go to my family doctor about a minor issue.  And tomorrow is going to be a short one for her too….she has a lot of challenges herself.  No one would do that job unless they had to or had a gold paved heart.  She has both, actually.

I decided to get a different kind of walker.  I need one for my apartment.  The one I have on wheels is too big.  I need a light weight aluminum one without wheels.  My balance is awful and I just can’t manipulate around here with it.  If I overmedicate (not over over, but you know) and get too sleepy at the end of the day, I fear a bad fall.  I’ve been lucky so far.   Don’t want to push it.

I just heard from an old friend whose sister in law passed away this week from pancreatic cancer.   She was over 80 but led a very active life.  Didn’t want to die until the pain came to visit…she only dealt with it for a few weeks, literally, but was begging for death at the end.  My prayers don’t reach anyone…at least I’m not getting the answers I long for.

I’m so sick of complaining about this.  I’m so sick of being unavailable to everyone.  I’m so sick of my job, which is managing the nightmare.  Managing the doctor appointments and making sure they are on a day after my new patch but also, a day that works for Pam.  It takes weeks and weeks for that to work out sometimes.  Keeping track of everything for DSHS, making sure I get all the discounts I qualify for, hoping to G-d that I can stay here after my lease is up….I know they want to remodel but I’m hoping they’ll cast a kind eye my way when the time comes.