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Friday, March 8, 2013

3 Magic Words

I just watched this movie on Netflix called “3 Magic Words” which is spiritually based but full of science and incredible quotes and ideas.  I lose my way so fast when the pain zips past the number 10 on the pain scale and all I get is “sorry, there’s nothing we can do, are you planning on hurting yourself”?   No, I’m planning on hurting all of you, though (lol).  I usually find my way back again pretty quickly but am having trouble this time.  But I’m getting there.

While watching it, and thinking about G-d being inside all of us and a part of everything, etc., I realized that when I yell at G-d I am yelling at myself, blaming myself and thinking I did something horrible to deserve this, or that G-d doesn’t love me….which means I don’t love myself.  Tough stuff to think about.  I want to be excused from it all because it’s just too damn hard when I’m hurting so much.  But my pain is no worse, no better than anyone else’s.  The pity potty is just too inviting sometimes, as is the abyss.

I am listening to a new cd my therapist gave me…it’s bilateral inner mirror”…moves from the right to the left ear and has some kind of re-aligning power….I don’t know….but I’m listening while I write this, and I’m also feeling it through my body and working on being one with everything in the Universe.  I am going to focus on taking responsibility for my situation like I used to do.  I still do the “stuff” but I let this get to me too much.  It’s hard not to, when you’re in agony, that is true.  But it also doesn’t help to be miserable…it’s like worrying about things that may happen.  I do that all the time with regard to the planet.  It’s why I stay clear of the news, etc.  Too depressing.

So, focusing on the connection between me and everyone else and the power of healing will be my new aim.  Wish me luck.  And luck with the Cymbalta, the latest addition to my list of drugs.  I hate them all.  I wish I could just heal myself.  Why not?  It is possible, I do believe that.  I just don’t believe it enough, apparently.  Or I’m wrong.  Me, wrong?

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