I just watched this movie on Netflix called “3 Magic Words”
which is spiritually based but full of science and incredible quotes and ideas. I lose my way so fast when the pain zips past
the number 10 on the pain scale and all I get is “sorry, there’s nothing we can
do, are you planning on hurting yourself”?
No, I’m planning on hurting all of you, though (lol). I usually find my way back again pretty
quickly but am having trouble this time.
But I’m getting there.
While watching it, and thinking about G-d being inside all
of us and a part of everything, etc., I realized that when I yell at G-d I am
yelling at myself, blaming myself and thinking I did something horrible to
deserve this, or that G-d doesn’t love me….which means I don’t love
myself. Tough stuff to think about. I want to be excused from it all because it’s
just too damn hard when I’m hurting so much.
But my pain is no worse, no better than anyone else’s. The pity potty is just too inviting
sometimes, as is the abyss.
I am listening to a new cd my therapist gave me…it’s
bilateral inner mirror”…moves from the right to the left ear and has some kind
of re-aligning power….I don’t know….but I’m listening while I write this, and
I’m also feeling it through my body and working on being one with everything in
the Universe. I am going to focus on
taking responsibility for my situation like I used to do. I still do the “stuff” but I let this get to
me too much. It’s hard not to, when
you’re in agony, that is true. But it
also doesn’t help to be miserable…it’s like worrying about things that may
happen. I do that all the time with
regard to the planet. It’s why I stay
clear of the news, etc. Too depressing.
So, focusing on the connection between me and everyone else
and the power of healing will be my new aim.
Wish me luck. And luck with the
Cymbalta, the latest addition to my list of drugs. I hate them all. I wish I could just heal myself. Why not?
It is possible, I do believe that.
I just don’t believe it enough, apparently. Or I’m wrong.
Me, wrong?
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