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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

For Granted

The other day I was talking with Pam about how easy it is to take the little things for granted.    For me, that’s everything from taking a shower, to doing my shopping.  I can, and still do all those things but it’s a challenge.  However, if I want to live independently, and of course, I do, I must force myself to move forward every day.  Today was a day without Pam, and I just got back from the store.  I didn’t go far, I didn’t get much, but some of what I got was heavy when bagged together.  You have to tell them to even out the heavy stuff or you’ll get a 5 gallon of milk, 2 pounds of potatoes and two dozen jumbo apples in one bag and cotton balls and marshmallows in another (not that I get most of these things but you get the drift),

And then there is managing all the things in life that get me what I need: Medicare, Disability, DSHS…managing government entities is a real challenge, and I’m just grateful I got it all when I got did because it’s looking grim.  Anyone who things Social Security will always be there better think again.  And finally, there is pain management, if you can call it that.  I have a safe system in place with regard to my meds and I actually take less now that I’m off the demonic methadone.  Thank you, G-d, for how it worked for 10 years and for my safe, though not quite complete, withdrawal from it.   People used to say to me “Well, Sherri, everyone must deal with the gnats in life”   That is true, people do.  Most people don’t have do it however, in mind-searing, gut retching, “take me now” kind of pain that only lets up a little once a week, maybe.

Can I still do things for myself?  Yes.  One just learns to adapt, like anyone else, to anything else.  Adapting to having less money due to the financial collapse of the US, or job loss, or divorce, death, etc.  All part of life.  My purpose here?  Who knows.  Maybe to learn about strength, learn about being less judgmental of people (you can tell by some of my less than nice words at times that I have a way to go yet), teach others through my journey about pain.  And about not making assumptions about people you see who look grumpy and angry all the time when in fact, they may “just” be in pain.  Because pain mimics anger with regard to your appearance.  Your face scrunches up, you tense up, furrow your brow, and turn down your mouth.  A real glamour shot.

When pain first came a’callin it used to make me so mad.  I used to yell at people all the time.  Finally, I was at the pharmacy one day in horrible mood and pissed because they weren’t filling it fast enough.  One of the assistants said to me “We know you are in pain, but you are making it worse with your anger”   What a gift that was!  Stopped me in my tracks.  I don’t always go in there anymore, I send Pam.  But from that moment on, I never behaved that way again.  I’m not sure she’s even there anymore, but I do appreciate what she said.  Snapped me out of it, it really did.

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