Heavy Heart

I just called my friend Ted to wish him a Happy Easter.  And I wish all of you who celebrate Easter to also have a happy one.  Ted has the gentlest heart, the sweetest soul and the most patient nature of anyone I know, let alone someone faced with what he faces.  He takes so much pain medication he said he’s in a stupor most of the time.  I can’t even list it all.  When he needs to fight with DSHS or another government agency, he actually skips a dose or two and deals with the agony just so he can think clearly.  His voice isn’t as strong as it once was, but his pain has lessened, thank G-d.  However, they have told him in no uncertain terms that he is now too high risk for any surgery, so they will not operate on him even in an emergency.  Which is fine by him.  He’s wanted to check out for as long as I’ve known him.

This is where I have to yank myself back to myself, and not freak out at the prospect of ending up in the same situation (not that my situation is a walk in the park….if I had seen this coming, I would have checked out long ago).  I tell myself there are hundreds of challenges others have and that doesn’t mean I’ll have the same ones down the road, why should it be different with Ted?  Well, probably because I’ve been about six months behind him in terms of the progression.  Until recently.  I’m in agony, yes, but I still get out on occasion.  I have a walker, yes, but there are many times I don’t need it.   I just had a mammogram Friday and I tell myself, why bother?  Yes, I had breast cancer in 2005; but that was eight years ago, when I had a lot of fight left in me.  I don’t think I’ll bother with them anymore. I would not treat anyway.  I would like to know, but really, considering what I’ve been through, I’m done fighting the big fights.  I’ll keep fighting the daily ones until I can’t any longer, but that’s it.

I’m watching the hummingbirds drink from the feeder.   The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and my wind chimes are sparkling in the light.  Pam bought me a beautiful plant of daffodils that is sitting on my deck.  I’m lying on the couch, writing and appreciating it all.  Today is not a day for asking “why?”   That question is only posed when difficult situations arise.  When we are happy and things seem to be moving along just fine, thank you, we don’t ask.  Ever notice that?  No one says “Why is it so beautiful today?”  “Why have I done so well lately?”  Maybe we should practice doing that. 

There is this proverb (can’t remember where it originated from) that goes,“May you have an easy life” and people sometimes make a toast over it, thinking it’s a good thing.  It’s not.  We don’t learn from easy.  We don’t grow.  We NEED challenges to become better people.  Huh.  Judging from my recent challenges, I guess I still have a lot of growing to do!   DSHS approved me again for Pam, and then I get a letter (on a Friday before a holiday) that reads I haven’t sent back the right paperwork (my caseworker took it in for me and yes, it was approved) and I would be cut off on April 4 if I don’t get it back to them.  Idiots.  I called my caseworker and she said “don’t worry about it” to which I replied, “Well, someone there thinks I haven’t done it….find out who and let them know I’ve been approved”   Our tax dollars hard at work.