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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Precious Few


I can’t believe I signed up for this, if that’s what happened before.  Before I was born, that is.  What is it I am supposed to learn from this life of pain?  Pain, digestion, etc.  Non-stop.  Never stops.  Never gives me a chance to breathe, but for a few rare, precious minutes each day, and not all strung together.  I ask G-d all the time, but of course, get no answers except sometimes a soft voice in my left ear that belongs to someone, maybe even me.

People say to just give it over to G-d when it gets too bad.  In general, I mean.  You hear that all the time.   But most people don’t have it non-stop for decades.  I have a few lucid moments when I think about “turning it over” to Him but apparently, He doesn’t want it any more than I do.  Can’t say I blame Him.  So if G-d has no body but He feels pain, does that mean I’ll continue to be in pain without my body?  I can’t even think about that.  The nightmare would never stop. Eternal pain, for all time.  Ah, Geeze.

I can’t do this anymore.  Not alone.  My sister-in-law Francine and my niece Ellie were just here for a visit.  While they were here my pain doctor nurse called and it just made me more upset.  She wants me to have a GI work up and I think she and my pain doctor must have been talking about my life expectancy because she made a couple comments about finding a way to make the rest of my life comfortable.  I may have read into it; I do that.  On the other hand, it’s not exactly a secret that I won’t make it a whole lot longer.  If only.  I pray for that every stinking day of my life.  I felt bad because I broke down in front of them, but I couldn’t help it.  I called my social worker and asked her to call me back, telling her I need more help than I am getting.   I am going to be dropping my methadone by another ½ tab starting today…..she said not to go any faster than three days at a time.  Not sure I can do it that fast; they’ll have to increase the fentanyl at some point, but she can’t send me a script for it until I get to that point…which would possibly mean another ER visit and hospital stay.

I don’t want to play anymore, dear Lord.  I want to take my bats and balls and go HOME.  But if this is punishment and I’ll still be in pain without my body….how do you kill your soul???

I just want something to work right.  I try to eat; I buy high calorie foods but I’m sick to my stomach from not being able to eliminate.  And I’m eating very little.  It’s a vicious, ugly circle and I’m dizzy with grief, laden with pain and drowning in misery.  Can’t you see that?  I know others suffer too….some way more than me….but this has been going on decades.  Decades.

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