Thursday, August 30, 2012
I can’t believe I signed up for this, if that’s what happened before. Before I was born, that is. What is it I am supposed to learn from this life of pain? Pain, digestion, etc. Non-stop. Never stops. Never gives me a chance to breathe, but for a few rare, precious minutes each day, and not all strung together. I ask G-d all the time, but of course, get no answers except sometimes a soft voice in my left ear that belongs to someone, maybe even me.
People say to just give it over to G-d when it gets too bad. In general, I mean. You hear that all the time. But most people don’t have it non-stop for decades. I have a few lucid moments when I think about “turning it over” to Him but apparently, He doesn’t want it any more than I do. Can’t say I blame Him. So if G-d has no body but He feels pain, does that mean I’ll continue to be in pain without my body? I can’t even think about that. The nightmare would never stop. Eternal pain, for all time. Ah, Geeze.
I can’t do this anymore. Not alone. My sister-in-law Francine and my niece Ellie were just here for a visit. While they were here my pain doctor nurse called and it just made me more upset. She wants me to have a GI work up and I think she and my pain doctor must have been talking about my life expectancy because she made a couple comments about finding a way to make the rest of my life comfortable. I may have read into it; I do that. On the other hand, it’s not exactly a secret that I won’t make it a whole lot longer. If only. I pray for that every stinking day of my life. I felt bad because I broke down in front of them, but I couldn’t help it. I called my social worker and asked her to call me back, telling her I need more help than I am getting. I am going to be dropping my methadone by another ½ tab starting today…..she said not to go any faster than three days at a time. Not sure I can do it that fast; they’ll have to increase the fentanyl at some point, but she can’t send me a script for it until I get to that point…which would possibly mean another ER visit and hospital stay.
I don’t want to play anymore, dear Lord. I want to take my bats and balls and go HOME. But if this is punishment and I’ll still be in pain without my body….how do you kill your soul???
I just want something to work right. I try to eat; I buy high calorie foods but I’m sick to my stomach from not being able to eliminate. And I’m eating very little. It’s a vicious, ugly circle and I’m dizzy with grief, laden with pain and drowning in misery. Can’t you see that? I know others suffer too….some way more than me….but this has been going on decades. Decades.
Posted by Sherri at 2:01 PM