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Monday, September 3, 2012


Today, the pain strikes were once again through the roof.  And it’s Labor Day, no one to call.  My helper was here and saw what I was going through.  She sat across from me and I saw her eyes were closed and her mouth was moving.  I asked her if she was praying, and she said yes.  I told her to keep going and she did.  Then she had to leave, but she will be back to check in on me, bless her.

I Skyped with my therapist and told her they were taking me down from the meth but not increasing the fentanyl which is insanity.  It’s a pretty low dose of Fentanyl.  I emailed the nurse about it and left a message.  When I spoke with her last week, she said they need to ‘see how I do’ before increasing the Fentanyl.  I can’t explain how demonic the pain is.   I want to die so bad I can taste it.  I wouldn’t kill myself, but it’s tempting.  I know they are tricating me up, but if they don’t increase it soon, I’ll just slap another patch on.  It’s that bad.  My breakthrough med, which use to work, is like taking a tic tac.  And I do suck on it, believe me.

But the problem is the bowels.  I was approved for the shot (Relistore) for severe constipation but I haven’t a clue on how to administer it to myself.  I know it’s in the stomach, I know you grab a wad of skin and just stick it in.  Pam said she has given herself shots for something in the same area so she’ll show me.  I guess it was a blessing in disguise that I got Pam instead of Amanda….still hasn’t a clue what happen to her, but it doesn’t matter.  I just hope she’s okay.   I try and notice when the pain zips past 10 in three seconds, and today I noticed it happened right when Pam came in the the Relistore.  I think it felt like failure.  Failure to move my bowels.  Failure is a theme for me, so it apparently now causes pain.  Gotta watch that.

So, I have these notes all over my house that read “Right now, Right in this moment you are okay.  Stay in the moment” It came to me in a flash and kept bouncing around in my head so I wrote it down, printed it out and taped them in every room of my apartment.  The problem is, when I’m not okay in the moment.

I tend to panic, which makes the pain worse, of course.  I want to learn to embrace the pain….when it wasn’t as severe as it is, I was able to do that.  The saying “What you resists, persists” comes to mind.  So I want to stop resisting the pain.  But it isn’t easy when your entire body is in a vise grip and there is no escaping, nothing you can do.


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