In spite of what the pain nurse told me (not to drop another
2.5 of methadone if I was feeling withdrawal symptoms) I’m dropping it
today. I would have dropped it today
anyway, and yesterday I wasn’t having withdrawal symptoms….just the day
before. But I figure I may experience
them anyway, so why not buck up. I’ve bucked up to so much it shouldn’t be
difficult.
My niece is coming over with lunch and to visit before she
takes off for college next week. It’s
weird. Only one niece is still in high
school but it’s her last year.
Time. It’s so interesting if you
look at it with an open mind.
So I feel like crap today, my stomach is a mess, my helper
was here for an hour and I sent her away because she does such an incredible
job there was nothing to do and I wasn’t up for a trip to the store. Maybe if Ellie has time today she can take
me.
In the meantime, I started thinking about how different my
life is compared to less than a year ago.
And before that, and before that, etc.
My body and my lifestyle have changed dramatically, but in increments….kind
of like how I tricated up with the methadone, and now I’m going the other way... I’m not sure if a horrible accident that left
me like this would have been worse than the way it happened. I think it would have been. As it is, I feel like I’m a tree, and leaves
are dying and falling off of me... And
there are great big piles of leaves all around me now. Not a great comparison, but you get the
picture.
The changes sadden me greatly; soon, I will be unable to
drive at all. As it is, I only go to the
mailbox and maybe the store, if I’m up for it.
But there is only one day in three that I feel able to do those
things. That’s the day after I change my
patch. I do it at night, because it
takes 12 hours to feel the full effect.
Then it peaks and starts going downhill.
Oh well. This is my life. And I still wouldn’t trade it. I’m here to learn something, I’m still unsure
of what that is, but I hope I can make it until my life flickers out without my
help.
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