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Friday, September 21, 2012

Could Have Been Worse

In spite of what the pain nurse told me (not to drop another 2.5 of methadone if I was feeling withdrawal symptoms) I’m dropping it today.  I would have dropped it today anyway, and yesterday I wasn’t having withdrawal symptoms….just the day before.  But I figure I may experience them anyway, so why not buck up. I’ve bucked up to so much it shouldn’t be difficult.

My niece is coming over with lunch and to visit before she takes off for college next week.  It’s weird.  Only one niece is still in high school but it’s her last year.  Time.  It’s so interesting if you look at it with an open mind.

So I feel like crap today, my stomach is a mess, my helper was here for an hour and I sent her away because she does such an incredible job there was nothing to do and I wasn’t up for a trip to the store.  Maybe if Ellie has time today she can take me.

In the meantime, I started thinking about how different my life is compared to less than a year ago.  And before that, and before that, etc.  My body and my lifestyle have changed dramatically, but in increments….kind of like how I tricated up with the methadone, and now I’m going the other way...  I’m not sure if a horrible accident that left me like this would have been worse than the way it happened.  I think it would have been.  As it is, I feel like I’m a tree, and leaves are dying and falling off of me...  And there are great big piles of leaves all around me now.  Not a great comparison, but you get the picture.

The changes sadden me greatly; soon, I will be unable to drive at all.  As it is, I only go to the mailbox and maybe the store, if I’m up for it.  But there is only one day in three that I feel able to do those things.  That’s the day after I change my patch.  I do it at night, because it takes 12 hours to feel the full effect.  Then it peaks and starts going downhill.  Oh well.  This is my life.  And I still wouldn’t trade it.  I’m here to learn something, I’m still unsure of what that is, but I hope I can make it until my life flickers out without my help.

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