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Friday, August 10, 2012

EKG News

I keep praying there is something better for me somewhere else, anywhere else, but here on Earth.  Nothing can be much worse.  Really.  Don’t think I am not grateful for what I do have; access to medicine (which I am so dependent on, the thought of it not being available drives me crazy with fear when I think about it too much).  Food.  Shelter.  Friends.  Family.  It’s all good.  I keep telling myself to have mercy on my body.

But that pesky problem of being in mind numbing, teeth rattling, chronic, intractable, demonic pain, not to mention the side effects of the drugs, namely, digestive issues are endless, tiresome and frightening.  

While I have been assured nothing is wrong right now, I just learned there has been a change in my EKG.    The QTC intervals are higher than they were last year.  NOT dangerously high, but higher..  Never hear of it.  I thought it was a grocery store.  Oh, wait.  That’s QFC (kidding).  Something about the intervals between heartbeats .  Who knows?  Who cares?   “No worries” she claimed.  We’ll re check in three months and then maybe get you down from methadone if there is no change or if it’s worse.  No suggestions on what they will use (if anything) to replace it.  Without something, the pain will give me a heart attack.  I just hope it happens fast.  (Drama Queen moment, dad….if you’re reading this….as I’ve always said to you….I just need to vent sometimes).  Anyway, that's the cause.  The pain meds.  Can't live with them, can't live without them.

She claimed I don’t have to think about reducing the methadone  yet….but if it had been any worse, then yes, they would have taken me off it.  I’m not waiting.  I’m lowering it by ½ tab for a couple weeks (that’s according to her guidelines) and see what happens pain wise.  I have zero idea what they will do to replace it.  When I was there last week they claimed it’s the best drug for me and that Fentanyl isn’t as effective.  Well newsflash; either is methadone anymore, except it seem to be messing with my heart.  I’ve always had a fast heartbeat but it’s been off the charts for a long time.  Even when I meditate, I’m lucky to get it down to 85.  Very scary.

I have lost 12 pounds since the last time I was at the pain doc, in February.  It’s now August.  And I just got on the scale.  I lost another two pounds since last Tuesday.  Granted, I have no appetite; I have to force myself to eat…..and the constipation is relentless too.  I feel like I am being stalked, I really do.    But I stocked up on food that I never even think about let alone eat; chips, ice cream….fattening stuff.  I just don’t like the taste of that kind of food….it has nothing to do with discipline….I simply don’t like fatty, greasy or salty food. I like smoked fish…that’s salty.  I need help.  But, I added the salty fattening food and I'm LESS constipated (this moment).  Perhaps too much healthy food isn't healthy.  Sigh.

The way I feel right now, even nothingness would be better than this constant, relentless, demonic, horrifically debilitating pain.  My dad has pain from spinal stenosis, but I just can’t imagine him in the kind of pain I am in  I know better than to compare….but if he can keep going out and staying active, I have to wonder.  He pushes through the pain and rest a lot the following day, I do know that.  And I use to be able to do that too.  Not anymore.  Not even with the help I’m getting from DSHS.  Of course, they are making my heart rate worse with weeks of unreturned phone calls regarding my finances.  I think they have ONE person working there.  And she’s been on vacation.  For the summer, apparently.  My social worker is a doll.  But she doesn’t have the answers I need.

Bawk, bawk, bawk.  I'll stop now.

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