Fear

I just got back home from a four day hospital stay trying to get my pain under control.  It was so bad Monday I called an ambulance to take me there…they changed my meds like they did a few years ago with the methadone, upped my fentanyl and took away the morphine and gave me diladid instead.  It’s better now….but I wrote the text below the day before the you know what hit the fan:

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Panic attacks have been running rampant since my surgery.  Fear that in the long run, it will not make any difference and I will be left with making the decision I am loathe to make.   Fear that G-d does indeed hate me and has been waiting me to take the plunge since I had the first suicidal thought, at age 17.   The pain increases -d does indeed hate me and has been waiting me to take the plunge since I had the first suicidal thought, at age 17.   The pain increases ten-fold when in fear, and it’s where I live.   I called my therapist at 8 in the evening.  I can’t separate myself from my pain anymore.  I have no safe place to go, physically, spiritually, emotionally. I cannot see the forest through the trees.  Too many Amazon forest documentaries?   Don’t think so.  All that used to relax me just jacks me up more and more.  Nothing, not reading, movies, listening to BioLateral music, my oils, meditation…..NOTHING takes the pain, or the perception of pain (agony, really) away.  And yes, I pray.

I feel as though people have given up on me.  Except for those who I pay to stay with me.  But I can see them receding into the background of my tapestry as well.   Try though I might, I cannot pinpoint what is wrong, let alone how to correct it.  There is only one correction I want now.  Peace.  Eternal peace.  I have written this before, but the Catch 22 is that if there is no G-d, if it’s all an illusion, just who will I be angry at when it’s all over?  “I” won’t be here to be angry at anyone.  And if there is an afterlife, just what will I have fulfilled?   All I see is darkness and pain. It boggles my mind.  That is, what’s left of it.

I’m trying so hard to stay in the moment.  The second, actually.  It’s down to nano seconds.  That is about how long I can stay in that peaceful place.  Mere seconds.   I feel the air whoosh out of me and I am at peace.  Until the next wave.  What is fear, anyway?  STAY AWAY FROM THE NEWS is my chant, but it’s hard to do.    I feel I owe it to the world to pay attention.  Crazy, I know.  I worry about:

Losing access to my medication

Never again being able to leave the house

Dying

NOT dying

Dying in agony (stupid, eh?  I mean, WTF?)

Dying alone

Dying around a friend or loved one’s birthday or other occasion

Calling for help (as I did two weeks ago)

Not calling for help

Making sure if I choose taking myself out, I do it right…leaving problems for loved ones.

Missing the few things I enjoy (books, movies)         

It’s that time of year again for eagle watching but even that is not soothing me as aren’t the hummingbirds (though I still feed them).  I have painted myself in some horrific corner for which there is truly, no exit, but one.  Unless something changes fast.  What?  I don’t know.  All my positive thinking,   This started the night before my post op appointment and hasn’t really let up.  I was worried about it, but the panic came racing in from nowhere.   All my sure fire way of calming the waters does nothing.

Are my prayers being answered?  Is THAT what has me haunted?  That G-d is angry because I didn’t push harder (though how much harder could I have pushed??)  So the glaring question remains:  What am I afraid of, and why?   I’ve been praying to an end of my pain for as long as I can recall.  Maybe, G-d is finally responding to me…it’s what I want, right?   The REAL fear is sticking around with no tools to cope.  I also must keep in mind that it’s only been three weeks since the surgery, with one major hospital visit emergency two weeks after that….so really, I am recovering from the UTI that sent me there.  The one that made my apartment look like a crime scene.

Taking this in account, I am praying the slide into oblivion is a temporary one, or that …well, you know.