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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Coping Skills

I am trying to track when the crap hit the fan for me anxiety-wise.  I’ve always had it when the pain got bad, but now it’s an island on to itself.  I believe it was two weeks after my surgery, when I had that incident of not being able to make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night and having to call 911.  The “crime scene” incident.  Also, I had told myself that if the surgery didn't work, I'd end my life.  A lot of pressure to put on myself.  Yes, I can change my mind....but still.  I mean, my eagles will be hatching at the end of the month, can't miss that, right?  LOL

  I’ve been in the hospital twice since that time (in addition to that one).  For a week each time.  I do believe it’s fear.  The stark reality of what my life is, how it presents itself and how I am not ever going to get any of my old life back.  The burden I’m placing on my family, etc.   Breathe.  Speaking of which, one of the docs at the hospital told me there is an Apple App called Breathe2Relax.  I tried it.  Nice, but hard for me to maintain.

I have often compared it to being a tree, with all of my “leaves” falling off; losing bits and pieces of myself every few months; not being able to drive anymore, needing help with my ADL’s, (activities of daily living)  etc.  All my “tricks” for keeping sane have slipped away and it has gone way, way beyond dealing with pain.  If I could only hang onto what I know helps me stay sane.  The breathing, music, oils, acupuncture, etc.  But it seems I can only hang on for a few seconds at a time now.  It used to be a few days, then a few hours, then a few minutes.  Now it’s seconds.  And sometimes, not even that. 

Then I think about my dad’s death, and how on the 20th of March it would have been his 91st birthday.  How close we were.  How little I saw of him, even with him living 50 minutes from me.  Acceptance.  So hard to do.  Help me G-d, please help me stay focused, stay strong, stay in the moment, stay grounded and just, well, stay.  Three hospital visits, the shortest being the surgery, was just overwhelming.  It WILL take me time to get my grounding back.  Sadly, people like us with chronic conditions that are not terminal but in which we bear tremendous, untreatable pain, do NOT qualify for Hospice or assisted suicide, which is legal in my state but not for me.  Something has to change.  It cannot be adequately treated or described and I’m not the only one who tires of it.  My friends and family bear the burden as well.

The increase in the anti-anxiety meds (as opposed to what, the pro anxiety med?) may be having the reverse effect.  At least that’s what it feels like.  I have a call out to the psyche guy who was on my team to ask him.  I would take my own advice and just ask my pharmacist, but he knows me a little bit now.  I thought they were going to admit me to psyche at one point, I was so stressed.  And suddenly, my pain doc thought my pain isn’t neurological WTF??  After treating me for over 12 years that’s what he decides??   A complete reversal?   And being back on my old pain regiment isn’t pretty.

I’ve written this before but it bears repeating.  Doctors want to heal.  And if they exhaust everything in their playbook without success, out of frustration (perhaps) they simply move on to someone they can heal.  They aren’t monsters.  But they do want a “win” and seeing me doesn’t give them that.  I get it.

I’m just trying to hang on here.  Coping.  Sometimes it works, sometimes, not so much.

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