Friday, November 29, 2013
My dad, brother, sister-in-law and niece came over today with leftovers from Thanksgiving. My dad is a very brave man; he has spinal stenosis and is in the same kind of pain I am in yet he manages to get over here if he has the chance. Of course, he can sit and I can’t….we were all talking and I started crying and said I didn’t know how much more of this I can take and felt horrible for saying it in front of him. He came up with “Spinal Crap” and we all had a good laugh . Old movie “This is Spinal Tap”.
I took a few moments with everyone and went over my DNR. I hated doing it in front of my dad, but I wanted Francine (my sister in law) to just take a look at it as well as my brother and there is just so little time. I want to send it back to the doctor to sign and send me an original. I wrote a short note to the doctor and nurse about it as well, so they could see I understand what I signed. I also made it clear to them that I am not considering suicide.
My nephew called shortly after they left but I put his visit on hold. Hopefully, he’ll be able to get here tomorrow; after that, he goes back to school. Then a friend called and offered to drop by. I took a pass on that as well. When the pain is in the stratosphere, I cannot enjoy the people I love. It used to be a distraction at least, but not right now and maybe never again. I mean, this stuff doesn’t get better.
Then, after they left, I watched an episode of “Bones” on Netflix. It happened to be the one with the NF information and tiny story line. I cried my eyes out. My stomach has been awful; I have no appetite (again) and I am forcing myself to eat something, anything, to get the juices going again. But if I want out, why am I doing this? Well, my heart may be in heaven but my soul isn’t finished, I guess. No wonder I feel confused, betrayed, frightened and sick. My heart and head are in one place, my body in another, and my soul? Who knows. Driving me crazy, mostly.
Posted by Sherri at 4:47 PM