This is Spinal Crap

My dad, brother, sister-in-law and niece came over today with leftovers from Thanksgiving.  My dad is a very brave man; he has spinal stenosis and is in the same kind of pain I am in yet he manages to get over here if he has the chance.  Of course, he can sit and I can’t….we were all talking and I started crying and said I didn’t know how much more of this I can take and felt horrible for saying it in front of him.  He came up with “Spinal Crap” and we all had a good laugh .  Old movie “This is Spinal Tap”.

I took a few moments with everyone and went over my DNR.  I hated doing it in front of my dad, but I wanted Francine (my sister in law) to just take a look at it as well as my brother and there is just so little time.  I want to send it back to the doctor to sign and send me an original.  I wrote a short note to the doctor and nurse about it as well, so they could see I understand what I signed.  I also made it clear to them that I am not considering suicide.

My nephew called shortly after they left but I put his visit on hold.  Hopefully, he’ll be able to get here tomorrow; after that, he goes back to school.  Then a friend called and offered to drop by.  I took a pass on that as well.  When the pain is in the stratosphere, I cannot enjoy the people I love.  It used to be a distraction at least, but not right now and maybe never again.  I mean, this stuff doesn’t get better.

Then, after they left, I watched an episode of “Bones” on Netflix.  It happened to be the one with the NF information and tiny story line.  I cried my eyes out.  My stomach has been awful; I have no appetite (again) and I am forcing myself to eat something, anything, to get the juices going again.  But if I want out, why am I doing this?   Well, my heart may be in heaven but my soul isn’t finished, I guess.  No wonder I feel confused, betrayed, frightened and sick.   My heart and head are in one place, my body in another, and my soul?  Who knows.  Driving me crazy, mostly.