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Saturday, November 23, 2013


I’ve been reading my DNR (do not Resuscitate ) papers that my pain doc finally sent to me.  I am not happy with the box he checked (I want comfort care only and my family knows it...he checked the one that includes breathing apparatus). I understand that he feels culpable if I should take my life, but I’m not going to do that BUT I am also through fighting.   I wrote him and his nurse a letter explaining and he may make me get it from my primary care doctor.   I just know I want it.

I don’t want to be a wuss but enough is enough.  People call me “strong” but I’m not anymore.  I keep winning battles but let’s face it; none of us will win the war.  What is the big deal about this anyway?  We treat ANIMALS with more respect.  We don’t give them some pain medication that doesn’t work, stick them in a shelter and force them to live their lives until their bodies give out.  It’s cruel, unnecessary and should not be an issue.

After all, I am not talking about euthanasia, though I am not sure how long I’ll want to live once they lower my pain meds.  They told me it “wasn’t good” for me to be on them for long periods of time.  A month ago they wanted to raise them and that was too much.  Then the nurse balls me out for not taking “enough” of my breakthrough meds. Now they lowered them as well.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.  They are generally supportive and gentle, but this constant change of attitude about what they want to do is miserable to deal with.  I do not want to start with a new pain doc, and I have to tread lightly or they will tell me to go somewhere else.  It is beyond maddening.

I mean, as far as the DNR goes, my letter to them (not needed for a DNR, I just wrote one) states all my health challenges from the pain to the gastrointestinal issues, to my eyes going on me, my hearing loss, the HUGE tumors in my legs and arms, the anxiety, depression and everything else….I want to wave the white flag which in my case, is the DNR.

And don't even get me started on the continued fallout from having my meds stolen.  I'm sure that's part of this, though they swear its not.

Sorry I've not been my usual one day at a time kinda gal.  Doing my best....friends, family, roof over my head....I am thankful for all these things, believe me.  Staying away from the news has been a challenge though.  Makes me grateful, fills me with fear.  Sigh.

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