Who Am I Today?

I have this fantasy about who I am.  In my head, I see myself as someone who can take anything thrown at her, but in truth, I am not.

In my head, I see myself as someone who doesn’t complain about the myriad of health issues I face, the main one being pain; but in truth, I do.

In my head, I don’t tell friends and family about those challenges but just suck it all up; but in truth, I tell.

In my head, I take each day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow; but in truth, there is a wide gap between me and Ram Daas.

A dear friend just took me to the store.  The pain was bad and we were coming up to a green arrow and I was afraid it would turn yellow and force us to stop.  It was a long light and sitting is horrendous for me so I said “go, go, go” and she got mad and I don’t blame her.  She said I could give her directions if she needed them but not that kind.  She said she remembered telling her dad the same thing.  Great.  Now I’m not just a bitch, I’m an old bitch.   But she was right.

I used to have the same conversations with Pam…I don’t do that anymore (usually) with the new helpers.  It really doesn’t matter how much pain I’m in.  They have to drive safely.  But I’m inside so much I forget what it’s like to be out in the world. My patience is nonexistent and it’s just too bad.  But taking it out on everyone isn’t the answer.

Of course, all these feelings come and go and change with the weather and my level of pain.  The trick is staying in the moment, remembering the Serenity Prayer and praying for other.  The trick is meditation, BioLateral music, my healer, healthy eating and a bunch of other stuff I slip in and out of.  The trick is remembering the tricks.

At the moment, I think my anxiety is about my lowered dosage which will start in January.  Gotta stop worrying about what may or may not happen come January.  And just leaving it alone with my pain doctor until it’s time for the next battle.   Need to rest up for that!