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Monday, November 11, 2013

Letting It Go

I had written another entry but it was so negative I got depressed reading it again (I always wait a day before posting) so I’m trying again.  Truth be told, I am in a world of hurt.  Lying down doesn’t even help anymore.  I’m in pain, scared and worried about what the future holds.  I am really worried about them lowering my pain medication.  That will start when I’m done with the few patches I have left.  I know they are worried about me being on this dose long term, especially with my weight being what it is.  You’d think it would work better since I’m so thin.  No such luck.

I know I’ve often written that pain and suffering are two different things, pain being something the body just does, suffering being our interpretation of that pain.  And I think about the people worse off than me and give thanks for what I have.   But that doesn’t seem to be working much anymore.  And the stress of what happened with Pam, plus the fact that they are decreasing my meds and I’m completely freaked out isn’t helping my pain levels.  I try and let go and release the tension and I’m usually good at doing that but not today.

I am listening to my BioLateral tape while I write this.  I’ve taken as much as I can take for a while, pain wise and it does no good anyway.  Once the dosage is lowered I may as well move into an opium den.  I’m not kidding.  My legs are killing me and I have barely been off the couch all weekend.  So I forced myself to run to Trader Joe’s with Barbara this morning.  I’m glad I did just for the getting out of the house part, but I’m flat out again.  I did eat a little soup and a bit of stir fry from last night.   Baby steps.  I AM SUCH A DRAG.  I have zero idea why I have the friends I have.  Seriously.  I mean, when they visit I try to be upbeat but there isn’t much to do except watch a movie.  It’s not like they climbed a mountain to see the Buddha.

Sigh.

Barbara, one of my new helpers just left.  She really cleans well and is kind hearted but not intrusive.   I enjoy our conversations and she knows when I’m not up for them.  And I make sure she’s up for it if I’m feeling chatty.  Oliver is trying to will me to give him another treat.  Will away, my love.  Mama’s down today.  He is especially cuddly.  G-d, thank you for sending me Oliver.  The best of the best.  I hope his extra cuddling up to my neck isn’t a goodbye.  He’s been doing it a lot lately.


And you know what?  I think of Pam, I pray for Pam, and I seriously hope she gets help and finds some peace.

1 comment:

  1. My friend Sherri,

    How I wish that I had the power to take your pain away forever. Gently reminding you that your pain doctor should be helping you with the pain, not making the pain worse. As Ashley's pain doctor says, it's how she interprets the pain and how she tolerates the medication is how we will prescribe it to her. If her pain goes up for a lengthy period, her doctor adjusts her meds, no matter how high the dose seems to be to those of us who don't have to endure NF pain. It's not your fault, and your pain should be treated as well as possible. As for you, Sherri, I've never seen someone who does everything that they can to help the pain issues. You are to be commended.

    On that note, your friends come to see you because you are important in their lives. You can be who you are, and they don't expect someone different because they come to see you. I'm not blowing in the wind here, Sherri, but telling you the honest truth. God bless you and keep you wrapped in his loving arms.

    Love,
    Becky

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