Monday, November 11, 2013
I had written another entry but it was so negative I got depressed reading it again (I always wait a day before posting) so I’m trying again. Truth be told, I am in a world of hurt. Lying down doesn’t even help anymore. I’m in pain, scared and worried about what the future holds. I am really worried about them lowering my pain medication. That will start when I’m done with the few patches I have left. I know they are worried about me being on this dose long term, especially with my weight being what it is. You’d think it would work better since I’m so thin. No such luck.
I know I’ve often written that pain and suffering are two different things, pain being something the body just does, suffering being our interpretation of that pain. And I think about the people worse off than me and give thanks for what I have. But that doesn’t seem to be working much anymore. And the stress of what happened with Pam, plus the fact that they are decreasing my meds and I’m completely freaked out isn’t helping my pain levels. I try and let go and release the tension and I’m usually good at doing that but not today.
I am listening to my BioLateral tape while I write this. I’ve taken as much as I can take for a while, pain wise and it does no good anyway. Once the dosage is lowered I may as well move into an opium den. I’m not kidding. My legs are killing me and I have barely been off the couch all weekend. So I forced myself to run to Trader Joe’s with Barbara this morning. I’m glad I did just for the getting out of the house part, but I’m flat out again. I did eat a little soup and a bit of stir fry from last night. Baby steps. I AM SUCH A DRAG. I have zero idea why I have the friends I have. Seriously. I mean, when they visit I try to be upbeat but there isn’t much to do except watch a movie. It’s not like they climbed a mountain to see the Buddha.
Barbara, one of my new helpers just left. She really cleans well and is kind hearted but not intrusive. I enjoy our conversations and she knows when I’m not up for them. And I make sure she’s up for it if I’m feeling chatty. Oliver is trying to will me to give him another treat. Will away, my love. Mama’s down today. He is especially cuddly. G-d, thank you for sending me Oliver. The best of the best. I hope his extra cuddling up to my neck isn’t a goodbye. He’s been doing it a lot lately.
And you know what? I think of Pam, I pray for Pam, and I seriously hope she gets help and finds some peace.
Posted by Sherri at 12:40 PM