Awareness

I’ve had a much needed and blessedly appreciated break from the non-stop pain…it’s actually been about a 5 or 6 on the 1-10 scale for about four days…that’s a record, I assure you.  Even though the temp outside is below freezing (very, very rare for Seattle but then, the rest of the country is experiencing weather-related horrors as well) the sun has been out and high pressure outside means less pressure in my body.  I know, I know, why not live somewhere sunny?   Well first, even when the sun was out this summer it was also humid so I still was in pain.  And dry climate or not, I want to be where I am.

So when this happens, I start to really lie still and pay attention to my body; where does it hurt, what is the intensity, what changed to make it better or worse, etc.  Stress obviously makes things worse.  And my M, W, F caregiver quit on me Monday.  She said she’d stay until they found someone else, and they did, right away.  It wasn’t personal; it was family issues.  She had a bit of an angry aura about her and I questioned whether I wanted her around, so I guess it always turns out the way it’s supposed to, right?  So whether I am aware of it or not, stress pays a huge factor in the pain game.  And knowing they are planning on lowering my dosage is very stressful

But I also wonder about my interpretation of the pain.  When it’s tolerable I try to really feel how it feels so that I can compare it when it’s zipping passed 10 on the pain scale.  But when it is zipping passed 10, I’m in no mood and have no ability to compare or even remember what it felt like before it went into the war zone.  So it’s tough.  The only thing I can do, the only thing any of us can do, is live in the moment.  And that’s tough when the moment is filled with burning pain.

Like the rest of the country, it’s very cold (way below freezing) here right now.  Seattle isn’t used to this kind of cold.  My car won’t start much of the time and I’m going to have to get out there and start it again.  And my poor hummingbirds; their feeder was frozen solid so I brought it in and warmed it up then changed the water. That was two hours ago and the top half is frozen again.  The sun might warm it up a bit, I hope.