Brave but not Unafraid

I was watching this movie last night, a real sleeper, entitled “Northern Borders” about a young boy who is sent to live with his grumpy grandparents.  Great, cast, great story, superb acting all around.  There was one line that stuck out to me; maybe because it was said on two different occasions.  Grandma to grandson “Being brave does not mean being unafraid”  Wow.  That one hit me right between my peepers.

Brave but not unafraid.  That’s me in a nutshell.  I can never figure out why people often tell me I’m brave.  I always dismiss it, thinking they talk to me like I’m a child.  Just trying to cheer me, etc.  My computer guru was here the other day because I needed a bit of a tune-up. Haven’t seen him in ages.  He told me I was brave for heaven’s sake.   So I started really giving it some thought.  Because I’m afraid much of the time, especially  when I’m spiking in pain like I am right now.  Then all the nagging fear and “what if’s” come a’callin’ big time  I suddenly can’t stay in the moment and that leads to….well, you know.  Anyone dealing with a chronic condition of any kind, be it pain or not, knows that feeling of ‘WHAT IF I CAN’T ACCESS MY MEDS, WHAT IF IT GETS WORSE, WHAT IF I CAN’T WORK, WHAT IF…”  .I drive everyone crazy.

I do all I can as anyone who reads my blog knows.  And I keep on getting up in the morning and I do all my rituals, the same as anyone else, healthy or not.  Do I spend more time alone and flat on my back than a lot of people?  Yes, I do.  But the point is, whatever rituals and daily duties I have, they are mine, just like yours are yours.  To keep going when we (when I) want to quit and lay down my sword, take my bats and balls and go HOME or whatever you want to call it, is what makes us brave.

I hope that G-d or whomever, whatever, is on the other side agrees with me.  Because I get very, very close to the abyss sometimes.

One of my nieces was just diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease.  She’s young, 21, but smart as a whip and immediately started researching it and how to approach it with diet, etc.  As it happens, public health and nutrition is her major.  She’ll do fine.  I told her to go to a forum on Crohn’s if she needs support.  She already found out a fellow student has it.

As for me, I just ordered CBD oil in the strain I’ve been waiting to become available to the masses for years.  One. Day. At. A . Time.   A few years ago, I was devastated I couldn’t get it. Now, a couple clicks, and it will be here in a couple weeks.

So hang in there and don’t worry about fear.  It’s designed (fear) to defeat you.