When I was 11 years old my paternal grandmother was sick with bladder
cancer (though at the time I didn’t know why she was ill). One day, a friend and I rode our bicycles to
her apartment, which wasn’t far. I was
in her bedroom, patting her on the shoulder and telling her she was going to be
alright, the way I had seen grown-ups do it. What happened next astounded
me.
She held my hands, looked me in the eye and said “No
sweetie, I’m not. I’m dying. And that’s okay because it’s all a part of
life. I don’t ever want you to be afraid
of it”
I don’t think I breathed for five minutes. I was afraid and unsure of what I heard. But it wasn’t death that frightened me. I was wondering why my grandmother, whom I
was especially close to, would talk to me like I was a grown-up. Nobody talked to me like that. This was 1964. It frightened me because I knew she told me this for a special reason, I just didn’t know what it was.
As time moved on, and especially now, I have a deeper
understanding of why she shared that with me.
I was diagnosed with NF at age 11.
I don’t know if my grandmother knew specifically about the diagnosis, or
if she just sensed I was different. I
was sick a lot as a kid, much of it before age 11. So she saw those illnesses and maybe she sensed
my physical being would be challenged during my lifetime. Not much was known about NF back then anyway;
it wasn’t even called NF. So who knows
what she knew. She was sensitive in ways
not recognized back then and even now, for some people.
I’m thinking of that now because I’m re-reading books on the
soul, as well as ones I haven’t yet read.
I’m recalling experiences I have had with the other side and telling
myself that there is no way they can’t be real.
My experience with helping that woman cross over comes to mind (I wrote
about it on this blog…”First Encounter” I think I called it) as well as some
other unworldly things that I know was not “swamp gas” (no UFO sightings, just
an expression). These experiences all
happened 20 years prior to me needing the drugs I use for pain today. Now, I don’t have them anymore. The drugs surpresss whatever gift I had. Not entirely, but enough.
As my NF progresses and it seems to do so daily, I feel life
kind of closing in on me and I get scared.
And if I’m lucky enough to feel her, my grandmother soothes my fractured
heart, my frightened mind and my sore body as she says “…it’s a part of life
and I don’t want you to ever be afraid”
The pain is so very bad lately, all I want is to go HOME
Sherri, I have no doubt that your grandmother meant what she said about not being afraid of dying. Of course, you know, we are all going to die, and we all have the need, I think, to know what happens and where we go. As you know, I believe in God, and the bible being the book of life of which to follow on this earth, written by those before us who were blessed enough to receive God's inspirations (words) and save those words on animal skins, stones, or whatever material they had at the time to do so. But, I also have doubts now and then, even though I sense God's presence in my heart, and in my mind. I, too, still look for concrete evidence that I, and my friends and loved ones, will go HOME to God, and we will have new bodies in Heaven. There is a book called 'Heaven is for Real', written by the father of an four year old boy who almost died. This is not a story of a boy who actually died, went to heaven to visit, and came back. This boy, Colton, never actually died, but was very, very ill, and during the worst minutes of his illness, visited heaven. This story will astound you, comfort you, and allow you to believe, even with the faith of a mustard seed. There are times when my faith is that small, too, especially when I look at pictures of Ashley from just a few years ago, and realize how much NF has made her so different. I DO understand that you hurt all the time, and it breaks my heart. I will continue to pray and pray and believe for you, for Ashley, for so many others, that there will be GREAT reward for you, and I hope with the faith of a desperate mother, that it comes in the form of healing right here. I love you my dear sweet Sherri.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete