Worst Fear

My worst fear, I think, is coming back into another life back here on the once beautiful planet which we systematically destroyed over centuries of abuse.  We just don’t get it.  America is the joke of the Universe.  A good, no great idea that turned into an unfunny joke.  I think I have been wanting out for so long, wanting the pain gone, wanting to be either fully engaged with life or to move on.  Move on into a hopefully better place where there is no pain, no bickering between people and no power hungry control freaks who would rather be “right” than to be human.

Anyway, my GI doc had me do an ultrasound two weeks ago and today I had to do an MRI because the transvaginal exam was not going to happen….too many tumors…it would hurt like hell (it hurts most of the time on its own) and they’d probably damage something.  I went with my gut.   So I go for the MRI and THREE PEOPLE tried the IV for the contrast dye and none of them could get the needle in my vein….I was dehydrated because they told me not to eat or drink anything for 7 hours before the exam but since it was in the morning, I hadn’t eaten or drunken anything for over 12 hours.   Six different sites, three different people and they gave up.  So who knows what the doc will think but when you tell someone not to drink anything they are going to get dehydrated; and that makes it hard to get the needle in the vein.  Duh.  It’s so frustrating when you’ve been to dozens of these bar-b-ques and you know what to expect but no one listens or credits you for knowing your own body.

So they just called me and said they were neurofibromas and lots of them.  Pain meds were offered,  Right.   I need to get those results to my docs at the U.

Pam hasn’t been well; not so much her liver problems, though I think she needs help with dealing with it, but more of a lot of little things and really bad memory stuff; I have enough problems in that area, I need someone sharp.  Don’t know what to do.  This has been a very bad week with cancellations on her part and lots of phone calls and questions that I’ve already answered five or six times.  Some of that has always been there; but it’s worsening and I’m at a loss.  I’m hopefully getting someone on Thursday because she once again made a personal appointment during the time she sees me.  She doesn’t understand you can accept or reject those appointments and make a different time. She’s adamant she can’t change this one and I won’t change mine because I’ve done it to her twice already (my acupuncturist) and I need to go.  Hopefully, they’ll find someone to help me.

And to top it off, Pam’s boss, the supervisor, is already in dementia; I told her I need a ride on Thursday and someone showed up today, Tuesday and can’t help on Thursday.  And the supervisor is out today.  If I take a taxi, I’m charging it back to them.  I can actually do that if it’s medically related and it is.  Sigh.