To Pray

The pain is the worst it has been in a while….been creeping up on me and now it’s a full blown assault.   I woke up yesterday with two red spots on my foot and I dismissed them as being the result of the socks I was wearing…but today they have changed a bit and I think now I’m witnessing the overnight appearance of new neurofibromas…they seem to come out of nowhere, like the rainstorms of summer and just as destructive.   Which means there are rainbows if you know where to look.  Sometimes I remember, sometimes…not.

I sent those MRI results to my neurologist and pain doc last week and haven’t heard anything.  It’s transmitted digitally; no snail mail.  Anyway, I’m going with the no news is good news adage.

It’s getting harder and harder to concentrate; to read, to write, to pray.  I think having a few doable days in a row is a blessing and a curse.   I get to a point where I feel I’m accepting my life without complaint (rare) and when I do, I breathe easier.  Then I have the doable days and I’m out in the world to whatever degree I can handle and again am reminded of what I am missing.  But in the gift is the twist.  When I feel better, I take 20 steps backwards in the coping category and end up angry and without skills when the pain comes back…mocking me for having a few creeping moments of “what if I was healed spontaneously?  Pathetic.  The Universe’s joke on me.  Let’s see how long it takes before she starts thinking about miracles. 

To that I say, if there is to be a miracle, let it be for someone younger than me, someone who still has a long life ahead of them.   Someone who has been fighting the good fight.  Someone who perhaps doesn’t have family support or financial resources to get the help he/she may need.  I’m not writing that to get a pat on the back from anyone in the world or the next.  I just want to go Home, so in a way, it’s selfish.

I did make it to Whole Foods on Friday last week.  Haven’t been there for ages but was hungry for something yummy.  I wanted to make a return trip today, but alas, that will have to wait.  I’m hoping for tomorrow!!  My sister got me hooked quite recently on their brand of chocolate chip cookies, 18 to a bag.  Then I got some delicious deli “California Quinoa” which is their particular concoction of the grain.  I just read the ingredients on the back and will one day make it myself.  I make quinoa all the time anyway….thinking of warmer recipes these days!