Another Cautionary Tale

Nothing is ever certain in life.  No one knows that better than those who, for no fault of their own, have medical problems that are unsolvable to date.  And those who live in chronic, intractable pain due to their disease or disorder must depend on, and trust, caregivers.  So must those not in pain, but the meds for pain are what everyone wants.  And caregivers are notorious for unpredictable behavior.

I thought I was the most blessed of those who need help.  Sure, Pam could be unpredictable in some ways, and yes, she was getting flakier and flakier.  But Friday she admitted to me she was the one taking my meds.  She claimed she only did it a few times, and they are under lock and key so I didn’t get it.  But I always have a dozen or so in my purse.  Which is always with me.  Except, a friend said, when you are in the bathroom.  Which is often.  I told her to leave, we were both crying, and all weekend she has been phoning and leaving notes on my door.   When you do that to someone, the trust is broken beyond repair.  And she doesn’t get it.  She wants me to lie to her supervisor and just say I want someone else for personal reasons.  But she has been going through red lights, forgetting things I want at the store (once I only had two things…and I always write it down….she called from the store because she lost the note and my pin number)  and she came back with just ONE of the two things.   So all in all, it’s time for someone new.

But the despair I have been feeling all weekend has been overwhelming.  So has thinking about the work ahead of me, dealing with my doctors who will not be happy (already left the message) and I haven’t a clue what will happen.  And the most important thing is that I will be out completely and not due until Thursday.  My nurse said she wrote a script to tie me over but the pharmacy wouldn’t fill it and won’t until Thursday.  I’ll have her call because I’m in agony as it is.  I don’t care how well you know your caregiver, you must be hyper vigilant all the time.  If not, this is what it will cost you and it's what I wrote to Pam in response to her notes…I haven’t had her in the house since.

·         My pain doctor thinks I am taking more than I realize and therefore, I need to tweak my pain plan.  While the pain has been bad, I am NOT taking as many as I thought (and forgetting).  This loss of pills is why they want to see me next week.

·         They may drop me as a patient

·         My insurance will not fill my order until it’s due, and I now don’t have enough to get me through        If I DO tell them, I have no idea what they will do about it.  I have no desire to prosecute, but they may.  And I MUST tell them because I don’t want them thinking I’m forgetting that I take them…they are changing my pain plan needlessly

·         I no longer trust you.  And I think you took a lot more than you realize because of the sheer number missing (she originally told me I was 80 short so I’m unsure)

·         I now suspect you were in my pills before I started locking them up…again, the trust has been broken.  It doesn’t matter whether I’m right or wrong.  When you look me in the eye and lie, how can I trust you?

·         I don’t want to go through the process of training someone else, but what choice do I have?

·         You could have had a bad reaction to my drug….and if they found morphine in your system, they’d come after me (even if you said you took them…I’d be in trouble for not keeping them locked up…even though I only have a small amount on my person)

Stay strong.  Keep fighting.  DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF YOUR MEDS regardless of how much you trust someone.  As my pain doc’s nurse always says “They’d kill their own grandmother and lie to your face”

I don’t know if she killed anyone, but she did lie to my face; I asked her point blank on two occasions.  It wasn’t until she heard me crying that she tearfully confessed.  The thing is, I under medicate so that’s why it took all this time to notice.  She claims it only happened one time right after her surgery.  I’d love to believe her.  I unfortunately, do not.  I feel awful, I have been struggling all weekend and praying for direction and strength.   Every single person I spoke with, and I spoke with at least seven, told me I have to tell her boss.  I don't even want to think about what would happen if I don't and she does this to someone else.  The trust is gone.  GONE