Cycles

I’ve been having panic attacks when I wake up.  It settles after a bit, but I have to work on reminding myself I’m okay.  One minute at a time is about all any of us can do, right?  The pain, the bowel issues and everything else is manageable and unmanageable in cycles.  I just have to wait out the really bad ones and enjoy the tolerable ones.   Today the pain is pretty bad.

I watched this episode on NOVA about snake and spider venom and how the venom from one type of snake (forgot which one) is 100 times more powerful than morphine to treat pain.  I have no idea why it isn’t used (when processed for that use, of course).   I know that there is some really nasty snake venom out there that kills,   Thinking about how little help I get for the pain, I wonder.  I wonder about a lot of things regarding what we do to help people with medical challenges.  The bottom line is that there is no money in making people well.  The entire medical community would not exist if people got well.   Millions and millions of dollars is spent on research, and year after year, all the telethons, marathons and lemonade stands raise money and where does it go?   Even if it what is left after “administrative costs” is actually spent “finding the cure”, once it is found, I think it is purposely handed out in tiny bits, if at all. 

One doesn’t have to look far to find fraud.  Everyone knows someone who has been touched by financial loss these past few years.  And I won’t even get started on our elected officials.  Children.  Each and every one of them.  So it isn’t that much of a stretch to see how and why it’s more profitable to keep people sick.  My heavens, the ads for drugs grow bigger every day.  I barely watch television but I’m shocked by the number of ads for this or that drug….and it takes longer to list the side effects than it does the benefits.  Makes you wonder.  People hear about it, go rushing to their doctor to get the pills, and 10 years later they develop cancer and now the ads for that drug are about lawsuits.  It’s endless.  And destructive.

All I want is to be out of pain.  I want it really, really badly G-d.  I’m so tired of hurting all the time.  Of not being about to run to the library, the grocery store or to an appointment.  I’m tired of the myriad of side effects, the neurogenic bowel and bladder and of not being able to be a participant in life, other than online.  I’m tired of being depressed, of searching for the next “trick” to help me through.  I’m just plain tired.

Pam is back today.  Doesn’t know anything yet.  But I’m making sure she doesn’t do much for me today except ferry me around and run to the store or the library for me.  I do have to go with her to get my glasses.  But I cancelled my hearing test today and I’m glad I did because I hurt so badly.  It’s re-scheduled.   And in a few weeks, my dad will be here!!!  At least I have that to look forward to!!!