Appreciate the Petals

Pam was here today and put together the most beautiful bouquet of flowers.  When it warms up a bit in Seattle, they come out in a burst of beautiful pinks, purples and reds.  Rhododendrons, roses and a bunch of other blossoms whose names I do not know.  I only know they are beautiful.   And now I get to look at them from my couch.  Normally, I don’t like picking them because I think we need to let them be there for the hummingbirds, the bees and all else that makes nature, nature.   I just don’t get outside much so that’s my excuse.

Today isn’t great, but it isn’t horrible.  About a 7 on the pain scale.  Such is life.  Maybe if I thought of the tumors as beautiful flowers that want nothing but to bring peace and tranquility to my heart, mind and soul the pain would lessen.   Sometimes I have this fantasy that someone from the future or maybe from an alternate universe will appear out of nowhere and heal me.  It happens a lot when I close my eyes and meditate or do my drumming exercise.  I haven’t done that for a while; it’s probably time.

When things pile up on you like the death of a loved one on top of a bunch of “gnats” all at once, it’s hard to access that place of peace.  At least it is hard for me.  I get distracted, I have mini panic attacks, my heart races, I can’t calm down, my pain shoots up through the roof and bursts into flames and the world around me is spinning out of control.  You know, like that.   It’s not like that at the moment, but I am in a lot of pain.  Must meditate today.

I got word this morning that a cousin of mine passed away from cancer.  She was in her mid 50’s.  Sadly, her father AND brother died within 90 days of each other, also of cancer, about 40 years ago.  And right now, her mother has it.  These are the kind of things I can’t get my mind around.   How can all these things happen to one family?  I start thinking about fairness, which doesn’t exist in reality….we just want it to so we make rules and hope people don’t break them.  Because the randomness of life drives us crazy so we need to find fairness where we can.  My heart is with you right now, even though we haven’t seen each other for many, many years.  At least 30.  But you never forget some people.

In the meantime, I am most grateful to G-d for making Pam’s journey manageable for now, and hopefully, for always.  She has had a rough life and deserves a break.  It always seems like the best people get the most challenges.  Why is that?  Are the challenges the thing that makes people strong, thoughtful, kind and empathetic?  That of course, is the opportunity.   The lemons can make you angry, or you can make lemonade, right?   There are days I’d like to throw the whole damn pitcher of lemonade at the first person I see.  There are other days when I add a bit of sugar and drink it while eating a cookie.

Wish I could do the positive thing every time.  Oh well.