Re-apply or Lose It

Stress doesn’t begin to describe it what I’m feeling right now.  Just a few days ago, I was telling someone that if I had to apply for the help I’m now getting, I would be physically unable to do it.  And guess what?  I just got notice that I have to re-apply and I will lose all benefits by the end of March if I don’t send it all back again.  One of the things is a copy of my birth certificate.  I get that some things may change for some people, but I doubt that part would change.  What HAS changed is that I’m getting worse.  I can’t hold a pen to fill in the application.

So I called my case worker and she’s coming over next week, but I still have to run around town and re-do everything I did a year ago.  THEY JUST DON’T GET IT.  I told her I’m in so much pain I CANNOT do this stuff. So she suggested a family member help.  Not gonna work, especially in their time frame.  Pam can help me with some of it, but why, for instance, I can’t give them my bank statements by downloading it off my computer, I’ll never know.   They make you go to the bank and get it and apparently, they can tell the difference.

Breathe.  Must breathe.  It will all work out, but I hate the process.  And I do understand that in many instances, things change for the better for people.  I’m just not one of them.  Pam said she’d be here the day my social worker comes so she can answer questions she may have and confirm the kind of help she’s giving me.  They know anyway, because she has to let them know what she does for me every week.

This is the hardest part of being in a health situation that requires help from the state.  Admitting it is perhaps the worst, but staying on top of everything when you are in horrible pain every day is beyond words.  When I have a problem with a bill that’s wrong, or something fairly “simple” but needs my attention, it’s very difficult to handle emotionally.  People used to say to me, “Well everyone deals with the gnats in life” True enough.  But not everyone deals with it while in intractable pain that, on the 1-10 scales, hovers around a 7 most days.  So when I am asked to re-do everything every year it’s daunting, to say the least.

I am grateful that I have it and I do consider myself lucky, I really do.  It’s just that when these things come up, I want to have a life partner that can help me with the day to day challenges of chronic, intractable pain.  Oh well.  Oliver gives me snuggles and kisses and for that, I am also grateful!