Back and Forth

I went to the store yesterday morning after I changed my patch. Big mistake.  I went with Pam, but I still should never have left the house.  I almost blacked out the night before as I went to feed my cat.  I had two bouts of diarrhea earlier so I’m guessing my electrolyte balance was off.  So I slugged coconut water.  But this morning, it almost happened again at the store.  Luckily I had my coconut water with me.  I’ve been drinking that and Gatorade like crazy. The pain is so bad it feels like (what I imagine would feel like anyway) I’m buried on piles and piles of large, heavy rocks and chunks of concrete.  All below the waist.  My feet feel like rocks and sand are inside them.  Nothing interests me anymore.  Not books, movies, music….even writing.  Even the drumming is difficult, though I keep trying.

My mind is always racing and I’m always planning my demise.  Arguing with myself constantly about whether G-d exists, and if so, would He give a hoot if I took my life.  I mean, what does He expect of me?  Why am I being tortured physically, mentally and emotionally for so damn long?   Why am I shown so little mercy?  And if there’s nothing but blackness, then what kind of fool have I been to stay for so long.   The not knowing gets me every time.  I know I’m far from the only one with these, and far greater, challenges.  But that kind of hammers home my point.  Why?  

Coupled with that, is the added confusion of why I freak out at nearly passing out twice in less than 24 hours and all the other scary new challenges..  With every new symptom should come joy and abandon, not fear and loathing.

Just trying to sort it all out, put it out there, and let everyone know that those thoughts are all part and parcel of chronic, intractable, uncontrollable pain. Regardless of its cause.  Not to hog the pity potty (oh, why not!) I was watching television show on Netflix about a theater company and my mind went straight to how much I miss that (theater), and from there it was but a stone’s throw to all the other things I haven’t done in over 10 years and sometimes, never (okay, I went to a movie a couple years ago) and will likely never do again:  fly in a plane, go to a play, sit in a park, go camping, eat out for more than 30 minutes, sit for more than 30 minutes, have a big party (not that I ever did), see Europe, fall in love.

And yes, I am still grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my belly, access to medicine (even if it doesn’t work half the time), people I love who love me back, a view of my hummingbirds, books to read, movies to watch, music to enjoy and a blog to drive everyone crazy. 

This nonsense just popped into my head:

Back and forth, Jack and Jill, up and down, take a pill

Night and day, sun and rain, good and bad, endless pain

Young and old, right and wrong, wet and dry, life too long

Cats and dogs, alive and dead, boys and girls, sick in bed

Hot and cold, old and new, light and dark, here I stew

Rich and poor, sick and well, friends and foe, together in hell

Pish and posh, piss and moan, hot and cold, leave me alone

Earth and sky wind and fire, trust and suspicion, death to desire

Slings and arrows, nip and tuck, cops and robbers what dumb luck

Black and blue, red and white, tears and joy, an endless fight

Life and death, sticks and stones, good and bad, I want to go HOME

Left out the last two words at the end there.  Sorry.  Suns out; feeling better