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Sunday, February 24, 2013

Death After Birth


I changed my patch yesterday and today the pain is through the roof.  I don’t know why it fluctuates like that.  Technically speaking, there should be no break in the pain level because it stays at x amount of ml for 36 hours.  But generally, the day after I put the patch on is better.  Today it’s as bad as ever.

How strong am I?  Is that what the Universe wants to find out?  And what about everyone else, especially my young friend Ashley, only 22, who deals with these issues as well?  All these questions that swirl around in my fevered brain, trying to make sense of it all. 

I started thinking about the possibility of our birth and what we call“life” which could, actually, be death.   And what we call death or the “afterlife” could actually be not just a return to the world to come (after our life), but life itself.   Our true selves, our true life.  So we came from life and will return there.  It’s a word game we developed, to make the “I” inside the body feel more important.  The self, the id, whatever you wish to all it.  I mean, how many of us remember where we came from?  Some claim to, just as some claim to have a near death experience.   Some even claim to have “died” and visited the world to come.  I think they were visiting the world where they came from and will go back to.  Or, their brains just did its thing and they saw and experienced the ultimate altered trip.

All I know is that being encumbered with bodies, whether they work well or not is confining, to say the least.   Especially when they don’t work.  When they leave us in agonizing pain that cannot be controlled or the myriad of other things that keeps our souls from experiencing mobility and inner growth.  Or perhaps, the immobility is what makes us grow.  Lucky me!

Meanwhile, back on Earth, I am running crazy low on my breakthrough meds….I don’t understand that at all.  There are days I don’t take any and days I take 2, but I am supposed to take 4-6 a day….and I NEVER take more than that.  On really bad days I’ll do 4 but that’s it.  I am going to have to start counting them because the pharmacy may have shorted me.  My pain doc WILL NOT like this development, though it has NEVER happen in 12 years so hopefully, they will give me a pass.  Pam, my helper freaked when I mentioned it because she picks them up from the pharmacy and some other person she works with told her she will get fired, I’ll blame her, yadda yadda.  Poor woman just called me and started asking me questions about the pills and if I found them and I asked why she was asking me all these questions and she told me.   It took me ten minutes to calm her down.  I make sure everything is there when she gets them, but I don’t count pills.  And she doesn’t know where I keep them anyway.  Live and learn.

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