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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Who Wants the Warts?


Sometimes, I lie on my couch pleading for someone to get me off this planet.  Other times, when the pain isn’t as horrible (the day after my new patch for instance.  Twice a week) as all that, I give thanks for everything I have, including what I don’t want.  As I always say, having everything you want isn’t normal or a reasonable expectation.  But wanting everything you have….that’s the ticket.  Because who wants the warts, right?  Well, sometimes we need the warts. To grow, to learn.  Yuk.  Frakking warts.  I tend to vacillate a lot, between loving-kindness and sheer hatred for mankind and this retched place we live in.  See?  It even took more words to express the not so nice part of me.  As Linus of “Peanuts” once said “I love mankind….it’s people I can’t stand” You know, like that.

So I went to the dentist this morning and of course, I need yet another crown.  My mouth is as bad as the rest of me.  I’ve had literally nine root canals, most of my teeth are capped, and a few months ago I had an extraction because I couldn’t afford more than that.  I couldn’t even afford that.  But this tooth is in front, so I have to find a way.  I will.  I always do.  See, this is the good news/bad news thing I like to debate with myself.   One so often hears “Man, I can’t get ahead.  Just when I have a little extra, BAM, something happens and it’s gone (money)”

Well, I used to say that as well.  Now every bill (my recent ER visit?  Almost $7,000.  Nine hours.  CT Scan) is horrifying, though what can I do?  But there is a flip side to the coin for people who are earning money (as I once did).  Why not say to yourself “Gosh, I’m sure glad I got that extra money when I did.  I really need it now!”   And be grateful.  Truly grateful.  If you practice it enough, it will become true.  Because it actually IS true.  It’s a test, and we are tested over and over again, ad nauseam sometimes.

So I spoke with my therapist today about the drumming thing.  She gave me some advice on how to have a more Shamanic experience with it, which she told me last time I saw her but forgot about.  I’m excited but a bit nervous.  I do it at night, because the darkness makes it easier for me.  I haven’t gotten to the end of it (it’s only 30 minutes) and she said if I have the experience I am going for, it’s important to get to the end of the tape, because it takes you back from wherever you go when doing it.  Mentally, I mean.

My regular caregiver was out yesterday and today for some kind of training.  They sent someone else today because I had that dentist appointment.  She was great; while I was at my appointment, she took my grocery list, my money, and got what I needed.  No errors.  If I ever need a replacement for Pam for a day, I’ll ask if she’s available.

Okay, right now I’m putting myself on the starship Galactica.  It’s an amazing story.

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